BRANDON

I wish they taught us how to handle emotions in schools

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Is it possible to ignore the signs? Is there still hope, faith?

I bumped into Rebecca the other day as I was walking down in the narrow streets of Brooklyn-where we all grew up. We decided to take a coffee break from our currently busy lives. Our focus, suddenly fell into the deep place of comparisons of that day versus the golden old days. The neighborhood was different, so as our lives, people we knew, dreams we had.

Rebecca looked as pretty as she was in high school. But, that was only the facts to me apparently as she had pointed out. If you had asked her, she should not have stopped working out after having three kids. She would also add that her three sons were like her personal trainers due to the high energy and pressure they put on her. Rebecca would tell you not to have three sons as if that is a choice you could make. She would finish her thoughts about her kids, kids in general, some advice for future mothers then never has she ever thought about saying anything about the other person in the conversation. It has been always about her for all the times we have known each other because she was funny, delicate and knowledgeable in every single area you could ever think of in life. However, after all that talk she would never quit smoking her cigarettes, in which she would come to a conclusion of not knowing her own boyfriend/ husband.

Yes, he cheated on her but she knew that it was one of his personality traits. To Becca, it showed how much Ben loved her because after all the women, he went back to her. As she was telling me their understanding in cheating, I just found myself zoomed out in the bodies and minds of those “other women”. How devastating would that feel like to lose your man to someone like Rebecca over and over again… Becca stood right in front of my eyes mumbling more words on this subject as I prayed to all the other women in Ben’s history. Poor ladies must have thought he was going to get a divorce..at some point.. yea, right! Was it really okay that he was doing that to Rebecca? To the others? To his kids? To himself?

Becca and I both took a sip from our drinks and looked around a little bit. She has never been the person to ask how someone else was doing but keep talking about her life. I had to put a stop to it, so the words came out of my mind with no control over; ” Are you happy?” I asked this question because there was a time when I was in love with my ex boyfriends like crazy until someone random asked me this question; I fell out of love due to lack of happiness from their dirty deets on me. That was the moment that I realized how unhappy I was to prove myself to all those boys back in the days time after time, which had got me as torn as worn out shoes. Therefore, I wanted to be that illuminating light in Rebecca’s life for her to realize some things. All she said in return, however was that she was still madly, more passionately than ever in love with Ben and the happiest mother and wife. I turned off the illuminating light to get rid of my own shadows meanwhile she was glowing.

Afterwards, we exchanged words on the stock market, businesses around the neighborhood we both grew up in, different sex positions and lastly, the people we still kept in touch with. It was so much fun to talk to someone who knew me and not know me at all at the same time. Everyone knew Rebecca. She kept in touch with most of the girls from high school. She stayed honest to her promises about her life; married to Ben, had boys, stayed in Brooklyn. I pictured her life in a quick glance, took a deep breath. I felt overjoyed and peaceful. There were still those people who had hope in themselves. It made me anticipate a better future for the rest of us, singles and the ones involved in the big wide dating world, like myself.

As I was paying for our check at the cashier at a store later on, I took a last glance at Rebecca. She was on the phone. Out of joy, I tipped the barista, then walked straight back to our table. My high school friend, Rebecca was right there breathing the same air as I did. As I got closer I heard Rebecca saying, ” I love you, gotta go.” to the person on the other side of the phone. She then hung up the phone, turned to me and said, ” It was Brandon from high school.” I remembered Brandon…

Brandon was a tall guy back in high school. He had no interest in any subjects taught in school, except for those art classes. He was everyone’s desirable future artsy and intelligent but also an asshole husband who ended up dating my friend, that is to get close to me to get to know me. When I heard this with my own ears from my friend’s own lips, first I froze, then I ran to his art class to find him. Yes, I skipped my own class but it was only to protect my friend against heartless man like Brandon, hence carried on with this big fireball stuck in my chest. I walked, passed some teachers and classes full of students to finally have arrived in Brandon’s art class. The moment he saw me, he came out towards me. Closing the door behind himself, he wanted to talk to me in private. Without any idea on the current situation, I stood there when Brandon took my hand and asked me if I wanted to talk in private. Shocked as I was he must have seen, he took me by the hand and pulled my entire body to the direction of his body. “Run!”, he said quietly. Holding my hand, we ran together to the dining hall. There was a set of staircases at our dining hall where he took me to hide from cameras and such teacher disruptions. I started by saying what he had done was wrong because he was dating my friend. Brandon went ahead ti explain himself in a way that just had to be out of this world. I could not help but calmed down by looking at his moving lips, breathed softly as be made hand gestures to emphasize his feelings, and felt sorry for him because he was talking nonsense in an unreal tone of voice. I cut him off by saying,” Enough! You don’t even know me. You don’t like me. You love Becca!” Looking very frustrated with the situation at hand, he said that Becca was not good for him.” As we were ready and able to get into a more difficult subject, one of our security guards got both of us. We were to now solve our problem in detention! Well, that detention gave us all the time to solve nothing. He saw I was not interested in him. I saw he was still in love with Becca. We spent all that time quietly. I read a book while he looked through the window of that classroom. This is how we met.

However, Brandon later on would find that Becca was cheating on him with Ben, to whom she is now married to. I never talked to Brandon after both of us choosing different state colleges to pursue our careers, but of course Becca is still keeping up with him. I bet they even see each other on regular basis because I would not be surprised! “Hey! Remember Brandon?”, Becca asks again. “Yes. You used to date him but you went to prom without him.”, I replied back. “Yea, well I loved Ben. Plus, Brandon was crazy in love with you. Wanna know what he is up to?”, she asks. “No, not really.”, I say to Rebecca. “So, he is still single. He ended up being a lawyer. Can you believe? Like, with his talents in art, I would think he would choose a career related to arts, but this boy always surprises me.”, Becca answers me back. “Becca, did I ask for any of this? I said no, I don’t want to know anything about him.”, I reply back once again. “Okay, well he is on his way here right now I thought you might know some things beforehand, you know?”, says Rebecca like it is no deal at all. Before even she finishes her last sentence, I pack my stuff to leave. I give her a hug, tell her it was nice seeing her, and tell her to follow me on my Instagram. I really never wanted to see Brandon ever again. I mean even though Becca argues it was not the right time back then, but now it is, I refuse to see Brandon. I agree he was the guy who would skip classes with me; he was the guy who I shared my lunch money with over art materials, and yes he was the same guy who kissed me for the first time. Even further, he was the first guy to make plans with me about our future art galleries, and future kids but he was definitely not the one to see ages later! Plus, a lot has changed with me. I did not even hang out with anyone from high school. I mean what the hell was there to talk about?! I just had to leave before he arrived, hence flight mode was on. I walked, walked faster then to almost run from where Becca was. I passed my old high school, new kids in that school, old buildings. Seeing my history left me breathless so I stopped to catch my breath. I leaned against this grocery store’s dirty and blurry window to rest- that is until someone from inside the grocery store to knock on the window. I caught my breath, looked at the other side of the window to apologize… for leaning on their private window. Instead, I saw Brandon smiling from the other side of that window! “Hey! I thought you were with Becca!”, he almost yelled, then made his way outside of the store to walk to me. “I.. uhm.. Brandon! It is good to see you. I kind of had to go, uhm for a meeting, but I will sure see you later, some time maybe later?” was all that I could say to Brandon. “You are still the same girl, aren’t you? If you are not going to hang out with us, I’ll tell Becca to meet up with me some other time then. You need a ride? I parked my car right over there.”, says Brandon. At that moment, all I could think of was how he grabbed me by the arm to tell me he did not like Becca but me when we were in high school. I was so stupid for not giving him a chance. This thing is happening again. I hope he does not drag me to his car this time. “So?”, he asks again. “Thank you, but no thank you.”, I say then to try to walk away. My breathing gets only faster, only more out of alignment with my pulse as I try to walk away. He grabs my arm, again to ask me if he could have my phone number. I say, “Yes.”, put my phone number to his Iphone. “Thanks! I’ll ring you again tomorrow to see if we can meet up… if that is okay with you of course. I mean or maybe.. you know what let me just text you right now so you can.. uhm.. have my phone number.”, he rushes to end his sentence. “Brandon”, I call his beautiful name. “Yes?”, says Brandon. “You did not ask me if I was married.”, I tell him. He points at my finger to say I did not have a ring. “Well, what if I am seeing someone, then?”, I tell him. He says, “We are just friends, right? I mean we were never anything more than friends before, and we are friends…wait… you think I still like you? Oh. Wow. No… I was just happy to hear that you came to the neighborhood. I gotta tell you. I am actually married.”, he says then directs his eyes on his fingers. He continues, “I don’t like to wear my ring every day. It is too small for my chunky fingers. Plus, I paint after work. Remember that place we used to go paint? The basement of my uncle Ronald? I still go there to paint. Not every day but some days more than the others. Oh well, sorry if I gave you the wrong impression earlier. I was getting some water from this store and saw you here, so I guess I just wanted to say hi.”, Brandon tries to complete his sentences. “It is okay Brandon. I understand. Can I go now, please?”, I say to end the endless torture of trying to make sense of all the meaningless sentences. “Sure. Give me a hug.”, he finally says after looking straight into my soul for some time. We give each other a very casual hug, and apart to go on our ways, again.

Walking back home had never been as hard as leaving Brandon behind me back there at the grocery store, standing, watching me walk away from him. What could I do? Even he got married. For a second, I wondered who he got married to but then my thoughts suddenly and intensely slid on to the thought of being alone. Rebecca had three kids to take care of now. Brandon had his wife waiting at home to take care of him. I did not even care to change my car’s tires. No one took any care of me if I was not there. No one would open my apartment door for me when I get back home after work. Would I always attend those picnics alone, I wondered. Would I find love at the end of the dirty, dusty highway if love existed in any imaginable way? I probably can’t. Brandon will always have someone in his life. My dating rates will probably always stay high because I am simply a woman. If I were a man… If I were Brandon, what would I have done to make myself fall in love with me? After pondering on the meaning of life for awhile, I finally got home. There at the door stood my brother yelling my name, waiting for me to run to give him a hug. I ran to him. I ran to my brother who was now standing at the door, holding it open for me to get in. I gave him such a long hug, he must have been startled. “Are you okay?”, he asked looking at each tear running from my eyes to my cheekbones. I just hugged him, wore my heart on my sleeves, felt encouraged to cry to move on. I wish they taught us how to deal with these sensitive subjects related to our lives back in school. Perhaps only then, I could handle all this better.

Thank you for reading.

GET YOUR EX BACK by clicking on the link! Check above link to get your EX BACK!

CLUBHOUSE CHANGES EVERYTHING

Photo by Jess Bailey on Unsplash

You heard it right! Clubhouse has been changing everything right from the beginning. As a participant and a moderator in different rooms, I will share with you what it is, what it does, and why you should get it now!

WHAT IS CLUBHOUSE?
It is a brand new app that you can get to your phone – ONLY if it is an Iphone (at least for now). You can’t currently download it from your App Store due to its being SO very new. In order to be part of this community, you have GOT TO be invited by someone.
*Also, if you want to invite friends WATCH OUT! You can only add certain amount of people from your contacts.

Think about Clubhouse as a podcast platform where people all over the world can join, participate and comment. Everyone can get a chance to participate in discussions- that is if the moderator lets you.

WHAT IS NOT CLUBHOUSE?
Clubhouse is not a platform where you share images and pictures like Instagram and Facebook. You don’t showcase your videos like Youtube. There is no commenting section in Clubhouse. You do not rate anyone, either as you would in the other platforms. All together, there is not an interaction in written form. Interaction is only possible with audio. Like it is stated above, this is an app that is just like a podcast but it includes everyone in the conversations. In order to use this app, you do not need any equipment! Your phone’s microphone does all the job for you.
*As the app is getting huge and more commercial in some ways, we might see some people use extra equipments in the future.

HOW TO USE CLUBHOUSE?

Firstly, you need to get invited.
Secondly, you download the app by using that invitation you receive to your phone, and register.
Thirdly, registration is possible with your phone number.
Fourth step is to choose a cool bio and a profile picture.
*BIO is where you put a little bit of an information about yourself. However, what I have seen so far is that people share their work experiences, skills and current jobs. The reason for that is the fact that Clubhouse is being used as a bridge between job-seekers and people who are interested in hiring. In that sense, Clubhouse can be like Linkedin as it can be used to find connections.
Fifth step would be to follow people, groups and chat rooms. If some of your friends are not on this platform yet, now you can start inviting them as well.
Sixth and the last step would be to join conversations, talk or listen, raise your hand to get a chance to participate in some big chat rooms, or/and just create your own room with friends and random people that can relate to you in a way or two.

Clubhouse is growing pretty rapidly as of now. There are famous and known speakers who can answer your questions. Hope this article helps you understand Clubhouse! Since it is a very new app, we do not know how everything will go with this app, but we can honestly see how it is growing so fast and getting very popular in a very short period of time!

Thank you for reading!

Here is a link to MAKE MONEY from YOUR PHOTOS! If you like to take pictures, check it out! Link

O Tempora! O Mores!

Photo by The New York Public Library on Unsplash

Tonight marks one of those nights where I just wanted to take a break from the reality of today’s busy world. As my mind was telling me to read some how-to book to get some self help, my heart changed the way of the way my mind was thinking by introducing the idea of a better genre of a book, hence Edgar Allan Poe. I read a short story, following that came his poem, O Times! O Customs! I don’t know how long this poem has been around for, or who has ever said anything about it. Therefore, this article will not focus on the literature side of the things, but a relation of this poem to today’s modern way of living.

In translation, it is as the poem indicates, Oh Times! Oh Manners! Since it is a hard read to understand what it fully and accurately is all about, I’d like to mention the feelings that it gives to a reader. If you have never read it, please look it up. It sure is placed in the rusty shelves of our google department of the web library somewhere. Once you read it, don’t you worry, you are not the only one to get puzzled over those words, translations and the unpredictable switches between the first person to third person.

Here is how you can relate to it. As a matter of fact, how I think I did.

1- Oh Times! Oh Manners! Look around! How many people are reading books these days? Even if we do, we mostly are focused on the tyranny of things, assisting ourselves walk into a light full of success, money, far-fetched sci-fictional characters . These are not at all any bad genres to read about, yet different than all that has been before. When I was reading a story earlier today, I remembered how the things were in high school. How we couldn’t understand words by those big names such as Edgar Allan Poe, Shakespeare. How intimidating it all was to trying to understand something that no one had any idea about. My favorite part was to be forced to write papers about all the things that I could not understand in the first place. How immensely we had to work in groups to solve the hardest short stories and books, poems to finally have that last high grade in a classroom before going home. We used to, in a way dance with the unknown words in the past to receive that final applause by our classmates and teachers. Now we have simplified vocabulary in every book we read, no hidden knowledge, no rewards of coming home, no more dancing with the unknown.

2- In this poem, I believe he mentions how people see us versus who we actually are. How accurate that is if we apply the same thought of his on to our world today. There is Instagram where we display our hunger, fashion taste, business models. Look how many people judge each other based on their insta posts of showing how much of skin to how beautiful of a fact they all show to the world. Read the comments to see how bad we as humanity have given up on our interest and knowledge in grammar, old but gold big, meaningful words. However, at the end of the day when we take the instagram out of your daily profile, who do you end up becoming before you put your head to fall asleep in the end? Are you the one who people see?

3- “I’ve been a thinking, whether it were best

To take things seriously or all in jest…”

From this part, there is a connection to our world that is so apt to perceive life in one or the other. An online business manager might laugh at a book that you read, tell you not to read it, while you on the other hand read a book that you do only to get rich as he is at the time. In the shadows of social media sort of a society, do you fall off of a chair by crying at the stage that everything on social media has reached so far or laugh at it all and enjoy some silly videos a little bit more? If you participate in this world, you are part of the socially accepted norms and take your place in this crowd- no matter if you joke about anything at all or cry until your eyeballs come out- but you are a part of it all. If you choose not to participate in it, then you miss your chances to be part of the latest trends and all. All in all, the world is changing in a way where we give answers as a laughter rather than joy and a sad face instead of a helping hand and support.

This is a writing where I do not criticize today’s technological advancements. I love and adore a world full of technology, novel ideas and revolutionary thinking in the way of doing things for the better in a more efficient and reliable way. This article is only to share what I have observed related to all these advancements and where they had been before. We are getting intelligent exponentially day by day, no doubt. On the way to where we are going, however, we tend to forget where we have all been. The books we have once read in school should be part of our lives to give us a guidance while walking fearlessly into our individuality. Emojis are great inventions, too by the way as long as we never stop learning new vocabulary. What do you think?

Thanks to technology of today’s world, we can read on our phones, tablets, laptops. 🙂

Please share with me what you think about it all.

  • BRANDON
    love in the past tense
  • CLUBHOUSE CHANGES EVERYTHING
    You heard it right! Clubhouse has been changing everything right from the beginning. As a participant and a moderator in different rooms, I will share with you what it is, what it does, and why you should get it now! WHAT IS CLUBHOUSE? It is a brand new app that you can get to your […]
  • Random Video On the Internet
    14 Attraction Secrets? I cannot believe I watched this video till the end! Check the link here.
  • O Tempora! O Mores!
    Tonight marks one of those nights where I just wanted to take a break from the reality of today’s busy world. As my mind was telling me to read some how-to book to get some self help, my heart changed the way of the way my mind was thinking by introducing the idea of a […]
  • Story of a Man
    Once there was a man I knew who was a little taller, chubbier than the average man. The way he smiles every time had the power to take you to the moon and sad eyes that would bring you back to the earth. You would want to know so very badly what on earth would […]

Story of a Man

This is created by me- Leafy

Once there was a man I knew who was a little taller, chubbier than the average man. The way he smiles every time had the power to take you to the moon and sad eyes that would bring you back to the earth. You would want to know so very badly what on earth would make such a man like him cry, cry in front of your eyes to say the least. That man had everything in his life you would think, by everything meaning a nice car, a beautiful two bedroom apartment, a cleaner lady who would smile all the time, a cat, a job. All the things all the other men around him would only wish for was what this man owned, except love.

This man had no one to love. Not one single pretty girl would fall for his beautiful smile. Not a girl he has met so far felt anything he had hoped and wished for. Not a soul he could catch, not even a little innocent glance. All he had was these things that he surrounded himself with. He had friends around him, too although he would categorize them into nice, nicer and bad ones. He had friends to whom he could talk to, chat with hours, text with anytime, stay over whenever he wanted to. His friends, however were not his love. He would not consider them as his love at no any level known to men.

He was a loner but an unseen one. He could talk for hours during the day, but he would get lost in his own silence at nights. He could count on so many people in his life, but not on his partner. Simply, because he did not have one. No one wanted to be his. He had for this reason tried alcohol only to punish himself more with the shadow side of it. He had his reason to become an addict but he got addicted to no one, no thing. Nothing was there to remind him that he had come along a long way since he was a little child. No one was there to tell him he got through all the dilemmas of the past. He broke so many chains on his own without being able go have a crown. He was always satisfied with his life. Nevertheless, life always pushed him around.

Now that he was old and lonely, he had decided to change things upside down. Running outside in bare foot has now become his new playground. Donating his best expensive suits had the effect of a shaking ground. He could have been leaving his legacy around before he died but he died in a hospital bed all alone.

I dedicate this to all the hard workers out there who belittle their own emotions to gain wealth.

Thank you for reading.

Pluto Type of Transformation- Thanks to his cheating

Photo by wilfried Vowoto on Unsplash
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“What is the next step? Where do we go from here? “, he asked simply. As much as I tried to stop myself from saying a word to him, I could not handle all the emotional baggage that had fell on me all of a sudden. Where do we go from here? How can he even dare to ask me this question when he is the one who cheated on me? I tried, oh God did I not try not to say a word because I knew that the moment I open my mouth, fire would spill out of my mouth, which in return would come back to me as being the aggressive one in this relationship. How dare can you look at someone in the eyes after cheating on them for the longest time? Heck, nothing is going to happen. To hell he can make his way to, but I am staying here. Oh, God! Oh, Great Universe! Dear, Buddha! What is my lesson here? What am I trying to learn in this lifetime of mine that I still, for reason cannot get a grasp of. Okay, focus, and wait until he gives up waiting for an answer. Just look back into his beautiful eyes.

“Are we not talking about our issues openly anymore? Do you want me to explain why I did it?”, he says. He SERIOUSLY says he is going to tell me why he did it. Oh, how badly I want to know why he did it. It cannot be the sex, I am sure of it. It might be because he never liked my cooking skills even though I honestly think that it was not that bad, plus he always ended up eating everything I cooked. I cooked, indeed…. From this day on, I will never cook for this guy who is now standing so close to me, looking at my eyes waiting for an answer. A stupid answer! Whatever I saying this situation will sound SO stupid. I am so stupid for believing his lies all this time. Was he texting me from other girl’s bed when he had told me that he would be working until very late? How could that be? Okay, well he is waiting. I guess I have got to choose my stupidity card now. In which way do I want to be stupid today? Am I going to feel stupid by asking him his reasoning behind his cheat story, or am I going to feel stupid by telling him that I do not want to know why?

“Do you want me to leave?

Of course! Just leave but no, not now…and surely not forever… Don’t maybe leave me because what am I saying? I should be the one to leave him! I nod my head silently. Not even a sound of that occurs from me to the space that we are both taking. He goes into our old bedroom to pack his stuff in his tiny, shining luggage that we bought together before we went to see his parents in Miami. I go to the kitchen. My tears had better gone back to my eyeballs. They should just in my head. On the kitchen table stands a big box that is obviously flowers. I should be calm. I should indeed be so calm that we do not end up in the hospital after breaking this flower vase on his head! I am calm. No, I am not. A look through the kitchen window lets everything dawn on me, makes it all crystal clear. Why do I have to be the one to think about what to do when he should have been to think about all this before he cheated on me? I might not have anyone to go to, but I have me! I feel like this is it. This is the time that I can transform. This is that Pluto type of energy that is running in me. I can hear the bells in my head, hence storm into our old bedroom.

“You are stupid! You are stupid because you threw away our past, present and the future. You are stupid for not telling me that you were with someone else. You know, I could have cheated on you hundred times more with hundreds of different men in no time. I did not do it because I thought… Well, I did not want to. I am not a cheater like you. I am not stupid like you.”, I yelled at his face looking into his deep, dark, beautiful eyes.

“Becca, we are getting married. I love her.”, he says out of nowhere. He could have at least warned!

“What?”, is the only answer that I can give him. A question is sometimes better than a comeback, I hope.

“Yes. We are getting married soon. I have already.. well…proposed to her. I just want to apologize to you for being an asshole to you all this time. I am sorry. You are an amaz…”

I run to the kitchen breathing fast, faster to pick up the stupid flowers that he sent me earlier. One hit on his head would finish him. It would make him stop talking. I grab the stupid flowers to break it in his head, fast walk to the stupid room. Now, I cannot breath. I am not sure if my breathing stopped or it didn’t. I don’t think I can breath. I can’t even feel my hands anymore. It gets so bad that I drop the flowers on the floor. He rushes to help me find my lost breaths. I see him but the fire from my chest does not let me breath. There is only one way, one way is the only way to get rid of this pain. With my hands shaking; I cover my face, fold my legs in my stomach and just let all the memories of him go like a high speed waterfall. I finally cry. I cry and cry. One tear follows another on my cheeks to my sweater. Every single memory with him now a block of lego that I step on to hurt myself even more. The legos do not end anywhere visible, the pain goes on. He just watches me for couple of minutes, then stupidly looks at my face and says he is sorry, and that he is leaving me because I deserve better, and he deserves a wife. Did he just imply I am not a wife material? If he had ever asked why, I could have told him I was but scared. Since when women are not allowed to be scared to be a wife?

“I opened the windows to help you out with your breathing.”, he mindlessly comments on my situation, and looks down to his ringing phone. Someone is facetiming him. I never facetimed him because.. well I never felt the need to, I guess. Then I go back to remembering all the things that I probably should not be remembering when he is there standing. I thought he was going to leave. “I am sorry but you need to leave me alone. Please never call me, text me. Don’t even dare to conversate with me if you see me at a random restaurant, okay?”. The moment I say these words becomes the same moment that I realize how downgrading it was to be in my position. I wish I could just dig these carpets and hide from everything and everyone forever.

“I understand your frustration.”, he says.

“I’m not one of your customers. You don’t have to talk to me that way.”, I respond.

“Sorry, I was just..”, he tries to finish his sentence but I interrupt him. “You are not sorry. You are a liar and a cheater for sure, but not sorry! I wish we had never met!” Instead of paying attention to my hurtful words, he looks down to his still ringing phone. He never looked at me like he looked at his phone at that moment. I think he has to go as soon as possible!

“I feel better now. You can go.”, I tell him without looking.

“I loved you, you know.”, he says before I close the bedroom door on his stupid face.

He leaves.

All of a sudden, I feel as if a thousands of pounds of a weigh gets lifted off of my shoulders. The sun that was shining so bright on my face when I was in the kitchen earlier slowly is getting ready to set.

Later on that day, as I was cleaning his mess from our old apartment, I pick up a card that is from the flower place. It has a note on it. I flip the card to see the following written words. “You are promoted!”. Just like the Pluto type of energy, I believe I have transformed myself into a brand new woman who is better than the woman that I was before. I killed the one who thought she was stupid, and let the strong woman in me live. Thanks to my ex.

Of course, a BIG Thank YOU for reading! 🙂

Brainstorming in Session

In her dreams she was a fish that flew in the waters, swam across the mountains. Every morning was a wake up call to the life that was at hands, yet an utter recognition of the self as a human being. On one side of the coin, a human could swim and could fly, on the other a human had many responsibilities to the nature of things such as swimming only  in the waters, flying above the mountains. This, of course would never be a problem or a topic to write about if it only contained such freedom and limitless thought of power. By power, it means a power to feel whatever without being the person who is to be demanded anywhere at any time. Money does not give that power for it lacks the ability to take all the world problems off of someone’s little human shoulders.

We care too much about money because we have to, but it is not for the freedom we might finally get one day, nor is it in any way to be free of our own thoughts made by the mass for our own future. Some say the future does not even exist; some relentlessly plan for their life ahead. I guess there is an invisible line of doing something in between. Since the law of attraction is one thing to consider, we should imagine a future where we have all the things we want. Regardless, in some books it is also highlighted that we should act as if we already have that thing we are dying to have in the future, right here right now to give it a place, perhaps a part in our daily lives, in the moment. Only then, we can get it. I wonder if anyone wishes to fly over the mountains one day to feel their invisible wings somehow. 

Why would it even matter when we have money to feel all those feelings. However, the problem with money is that it is never enough, never satisfying. It is a good monetary for sure but until when will that be? Until we get old enough not to be able to use our own money to do such adventurous things? Until we lose our passion for living to stay indoors in our huge mansions? What difference does it make to live in a house when you are limited to do only that? Covid should have taught us better. Instead, we turned our heads to some futuristic business idea that would enable us to work from home, at our own comfort. Nevertheless, if everyone thinks about the same thing all at the same time, then what will happen to the great masses? When the supply is over the top, wouldn’t the prices go down due to the competition? If 1 person monopolizes, the prices can be set much higher. If there is an equilibrium price for the supply and demand, the prices go down but not that much. On a rational scale, however, when you have 1 million suppliers of the same product, the price would have to eventually fall down. 

I know where this has all started, but I know where it is going as well. Bear with me! If she was having a dream of being a fish in the mountains every night but corrupted by the reality of things in life every morning to realize it was only a dream, why would everyone else just stand there and put all their money into doing online selling jobs? Selling something special, hand-made, perhaps hard to get makes more sense rather than selling the same thing as everyone else. Plus, there is something called algorithms with this whole internet selling and buying thing, It is hard, but possible for sure. 

Also, before every night going into bed, she praised God to show her a way to warn humanity for getting more and more reliable on the internet rather than focusing on their own skills, abilities, and talents. We should all be taking classes online, get better at things, learn more, read more- online or not,  perhaps brainstorm more before jumping on the gun.

*Please correct me if I am wrong. Open to discussions and such brainstorming activities. 🙂

Don’t Break Your Cycle

I wish I could tell everyone why I was so hesitant to go. Leaving everything behind was not the problem as it never has been, but leaving my compassionate self really hit me in the core. You can leave places, people or even memories behind in time but it is always harder to leave all those thought patterns you, yourself have created all this time!

Some time in the past some really traumatic incident happens to you; breaks your being into millions of little pieces that seems like it will never be the same again. Therefore, in order to change that mentality you challenge your mind and body. Little talks are fine, but those big conversations with yourself gets tougher each time. Daily walks are helpful but when you sit on that couch, everything sinking in is what makes it challenging. You think all these things had happened to you for a reason but there sure is a way out. Plans over plans become your best friends. Instead of your future, you try to focus on your only valuable asset at hands, now. You try to get over the past by living in the now to live your future in a lot more peaceful way. When you get up, take a nice warm shower to relax yourself you keep thinking on the hows, then “why me?”s, jumping on to your own self desired conclusions. No solid answers leave no solid solutions on the mirrors that are now blurry with the heat of the water.

Stepping out of the shower has maybe never been that upset before when you think about your next move. You rarely not do anything but this time is different. This time you want to make your move, any move would be fine , yet you feel tired as never before hence sleep. Sleeping is a getaway yet it is a perfect solution at the same time to run way from the now that you were once determined to live in . Ups give their ways to the downs to then the darkness caresses all over both. You tugged in in bed turn to the left to the right pondering on the same move that you have promised yourself to make years ago. Maybe, it was your childhood but your therapist does not think so. Your childhood was not so bad comparing to some psychopaths. This world is full of them where they are mentioned in every movie, tv serious and shows but you are just a normal human being who is just maybe not feeing belong. Maybe you don’t belong to this world that is filled with all psychopaths and narcissists. Your therapist is right. These kind of thought can drive a person crazy, further locked up in a place in the middle if nowhere. In any case, you look for the keys to open that door that is shining right in front of your eyes, waiting to be opened by you. You just happened to be lost in the middle of it all to think clearly about bringing your key with you. Even the light that is sneaking in the room from the sides of the door in front of you does not make you move in anyway. The empty looks in your eyes look back at you, the door gets lost in no time. Great! Because now your last chance of opening this door to yiur next move is lost, too.

You open your eyes from your deep dreaming state, turn on your laptop to look for jobs, any job would do fine even though you think you were made to shine with a talent of yours. Considering how unreal this thought is, you throw it in the back rooms of your mind to never to think about it again, ever. Grab a pen, write a goal. Laugh at your own joke, toss it out. Make some tea, check the time. Time you have wasted is tossed out in the garbage, too.

Apply for that cashier job as you did before. At the end of it all, you aways get these type of jobs. Fail to break a cycle, you end up nowhere. Think positive, see positive, but don’t break that cycle that you have created for yourself in the first place.

This is inspired by my friend’s story. Thank you for reading. ✨🧚🏻

Meet Me in the Middle

Photo by Ozan Safak on Unsplash

because I respect you as you respect me, too

Many people believe in things that do not make any sense, such as sleeping with or without their socks on. Same fruitful event yet different approaches make it seem like a legitimate interdimensional difference in one’s world. How we sleep affects the way we wake I guess, or the dreams we have. Not long ago, I have figured everyone had a different approach to things, not only sleep but things in general. You might tend to think waking up early is the best way to approach to life yet your neighbor might get more things done than you do even when he or she wakes up later than you.

It is sometimes a given fact that a person who gets done more ends the day well, hence sleep well. However, here you get yet another slap on your face by another thought-provoking opposite idea, what if someone who gets more things done in a day who also wakes up late – that is very not the type of thing you can accept- fails to finish all the chorus with couple of mistakes here and there? Now we have three questions in total so far.

1- Who gets up early?
2- Who gets more things done regardless of what time the parties wake up?
3- Who gets more things done better than the other regardless of what time the other party wakes up and how many things they get done?

I hope you can see how everyone can approach this differently. When one can confidently think waking up the earliest is the most important, another can get all the work faster. How about the third one who gets everything done peeerfectly? Each on his own, for sure. This is absolutely not an article to discuss which one is the most important. This is an article to raise at least a little bit of an awareness about how people differ among their own natures. We cannot expect everyone to think the same because no one is the same. No one, absolutely no one had the same childhood, neither has everyone grown up in the same family or have been to same places at the same time. Not everyone will be exactly the same person who has learned and applied the same values, love, approach and respect to the same things as you do. Please, understand this. Write it in your soul. Tattoo it on your skin. If we all cared about the same exact things as everyone else around us, we would all be robots. You are not a robot, just like how your neighbors are not robots, or your co-workers, friends, family members, classmates are not robots. We might be getting more robotic, true but we still have our own personal past memories where the line has been drawn in certain things and acts.

Sure we would love to see someone who cares the about the environment as much as you do, yet the truth is that is all a fantasy. Think about it, no one has the same tongue. The shapes and all are all different. You might taste the same orange but what difference does it make if you are both tasting that orange differently? Are you on the same page? Never 100%. Some people see the dress in gold, some pink, some blue. Can you change that? No. You love animals to a point where you would die to save one animal while some people hate those same animals that you care so deeply for. I believe that is where the term, ethics can help us. Ethics can help us in a way to get along with each other in a society with some certain basic laws. If your heart is broken by someone who does not care about your relationship as much as you did, you cannot blame that person one hundred percent. You do not know what kind of a devastating last break up that person had gone through. You do not even know that person’s strengths and weaknesses that are never truly shown. Relationships, partnerships, family relations, they are all the same.

Take a look at psychology. Everyone faces their past to fix their future mistakes or at least to minimize them. Take a look at astrology. If your Saturn is in your fourth house and meets Uranus at some certain angle where it is also affected by the angle of Mars in YOUR chart, you get a divorce. Don’t compare yourself to your friends. Your chart is different, just like your past, so will be your future.
Take a look at someone’s educational background, lost pets, daily routines, daily dosage of good new and bad news they get or do not get. You can’t be them. They cannot understand you fully. You are you, they are them. When I lost my job one rainy day, after crying for hours over it, I took the train to go back home to do some more crying and thinking. There were all these dancers on the same cart as mine who were performorming for everyone there to collect money. As much as I wanted to appreciate their happy vibes, I was just not on the same level with them. I did not have to be in any way. One of them got very pissed at me for not watching them only to yell at me more, put me down more, curse at my face. He almost hit me for not watching them. I on the other hand had had so much for that day, I could not participate in his freak show aggression against me in public. I reminded myself over and over again, he did not just get fired from his one and only job, I did. Look, he did not even ask me if I was having a good day. All he expected from me was for me to watch him perform his dance and spare change. What he did not realize was that I could bet he had more money than me at the time. We were different. I did not expect him to understand me, so I let it go. He wanted so desperately for me to understand him, so he stuck his nose in my life. He got angry, I had zero emotions for his overreacting act of playing it cool in public.

Here, it is not about accepting and forgiving a person, no. Because if and as you do that, you give a piece of yourself, your thoughts, your attention and time to that particular person. Instead, turn to yourself to understand yourself. If the other person wants to understand you as well, then all the doors of the universal love opens up. The force becomes the love and mutual understanding. Only then, only by telling and listening both parties can see how different they are from each other. It does not matter what color of socks you sleep in as long as you are responsible enough to get what you need to get done for the day. I believe by taking responsibility for your own actions, respecting the others, there is no mountain you cannot hike. Every action has a reaction. Listen to your words, read your own chart, others will follow with their own. Imagine a world where everyone meets in the middle. 🙂

The Choice is Yours

One day you are in, one day you are out of yet another person’s life. It is a devastating feeling to be apart at first, no doubt, but if you do it as fast as possible, as carelessly and less analytically as possible you are out of it without any shots going through your heart, or is that so? Majority of the therapists would not think so due to the long and hard-earned reasons of the science of psychology overall. For instance, in theory you DO need to take your time to ACCEPT the fact that you are out of someone’s life. You DO have to be very analytical over the subject to get your head around the “fact” that it had NOTHING to do with you. Some would say, see it, don’t fight it and still accept it. Now, that must not be easy to do so, accepting. Would you accept someone if they knowingly hurt, say a kid who wanted a toy but ended up getting a good half an hour cry for not getting it? I don’t think that was a great example for the fact being kids should not be allowed to get everything they want anyways.

Try this next example to see if you would be able to accept a problem that was caused by someone else upon your life. Think about a friend who borrowed your most favorite outfit. If your friend never dares to bring it back to you, or even say a thank you for letting him or her borrow your personal favorite article of clothing, would you simply look at this situation to SEE it, ANALYZE it only to ACCEPT it? Would you say, “I don’t mind if my friend does not care about my own values. I don’t blame this on my friend. I accept the situation. Great! Let me live my life peacefully now.”? NO! If you never point out to your friend what he/ she did wrong to you, how can you expect the next time to get any better? Just like that, seeing, believing, and accepting traumas do not solve the damage that has being done on you.

One person in, one is out. People let us in because they want to. It is as simple as your own name to you. Following the best times come the bad timings, ugly words, wrong choices, awkwardly quiet conversations. One day you are having the best conversation of a lifetime, one day the same person chooses his or her words carefully. So carefully in fact, you want to vomit out of boredom yet this is the same person who also has given you the best times, too.

Humble solutions can solve situations like these at times. For example, instead of accepting we have yet another choice laid right in front of our eyes, solve it. How? By talking about what bothers you, mentioning about the points that make you uncomfortable, discussing what went wrong where and when exactly. This ultimate solving mentality causes a person not only to realize the situation, but to solve it too. Imagine the next scenario. Someone used a trigger word with you. Talk about it, realize why it bothered you. Instead of creating problems, always remember your other option is to solve an existing problem and destroy it. The choice is yours, truly.

Contemporary Marriage Deliberation- p.1

Photo by REZ on Unsplash

In a world where everything is planned for us since birth, living the life of a person who you thought you could be your future self one day is getting harder than ever. It’s as if you are wearing a turtle neck sweater from head to toe wondering why you are so damn hot and sweaty in the summer time. You wonder…you wonder… only to find yourself wondering again. Is it you or the weather just got hotter? Does it even matter at all since you look beautiful in every possible beauty standard of the eye.. the eye of the world.

Marriage can be one of the many examples to define the feeling in this world filled with full of sunshine without any skin showing. Are you getting tanned if you wear a lighter color? Questions follow questions just like how we follow our deep, sensible yet undesired thoughts over and over. The unexpectancy of the future holds you in her arms while the expectancy of getting married drops you off of the highest mountains down to the cold, dispassionate highways where the trucks run you over. Do you jump or desire? Do you agree or live on your own? Do you live normally like everyone else or do you simply choose to stay single?

Married…or not to get married.. that is where the life starts while it also comes to its end. The highest mountains in the mirrors of your room had seen you before decide to turn into little keyholes leading you to the city lights, bright happy dreams for your future. You stay at that door to wait for the day you finally go back to those high scenic mountains again that is where you came from.
Where there are laid eggs tells you where the chickens had been.
Where you put your head at night can tell you where you choose to stay in. Where there was no hope once before can tell you what you are the most hopeful for today.

Obvious things are not needed to be hidden because they are obviously maybe even pleasantly existing out in the sun as well as when it rains. Trees do not hide in their roots when there is a blizzard outside.

I did not mean to be very abstract while writing about this piece, yet the idea of marriage, the feelings I have held inside for so long cannot stop me from being as abstract as the idea of marriage itself.

You are married. You have found your husband or wife, killed two birds with one stone to have a partner to your crimes. You have kids to take care of now, a commonly shared budget at home, home becomes the place where the arguments fill in the blanks instead of the words of affirmations. All those good times turn out to be long waits for the days to be over so that it is the nighttime to think with constant deep breaths and with a peace of mind.

Questioning the real definition of love becomes a hobby as the night falls, because if marrying someone is finally finding “the one”, then why do you love the lady who helps you get your coffee every morning, the guy who remembers your name at the office, the friend who checks on you to see if you need anything, your parents who support you unconditionally, the random person who opens the door for you, the famous painter who paints your dreams, and your kids who are not even born yet? What does choosing the one over all the others literally mean? You choose one person to appreciate every day, to look in the eye, to say hello and simple good bye, wish well, to cherish but ignore the others. This cannot be it. You choose the one because you want your kids to be like him or her, but if this was the case then we should have married all the boys and girls we had innocent crushes on in the past. This certainly cannot be it, either.

You throw one stone, one bouquet of flowers to kill two birds with it for you are now not only a husband and wife, but a dad and a wife. Life starts for your kids where you choose to leave the stage to them. Lights go off so they can shine brightly. Perhaps, not all is that melancholy but it must be fun to get married, be married, stay in a marriage, raise kids and to see everyone you are familiar with grow in one big happy family. Perhaps, marriage is the light in the darkest times to kill the loneliness along with the unanswered questions you have held onto in your mind. Had it been only one thing, it would not have been the one to simply identify.

Marriage is hopeful until it gets hopeless.
It is a key to the most wonderous adventures of a lifetime until you are locked out of it.
It is the time to connect the dots until the dots become one big picture that was not there when you had begun.
Marriage is a way until it is a dead end street.
Perhaps, marriage is a sense of security until the alarms go off to tell you that you have lost all your serenity.

_To be continued_

Small Talks Got Smaller- Luckily there is one more left

Photo by Giuseppe Argenziano on Unsplash

Small talk is a way of greeting people with a simple “Hi!”, “Hello!” and to ask some questions to show your interest in the other person or people. There happens to be specific topics such as the weather, interests in the same brands of cars the person is driving, or an article of clothing the other person is wearing and you like, food/ restaurants, traffic etc.

There are also topics that are a No-No topics while having a small talk, such as age, ethnicity/ race, salary, religion, gender, even family at times. Family is not a good small talk topic due to the fact that not everybody has one great family! It is a very sensitive topic for a lot of people. I remember asking someone why they were not excited about father’s day as a joke, only to find out his father disowned him. It felt like a great mistake to start a conversation, which in fact was one.

These are great points to have a small talk with someone, or was. After corona who knew it was all going to change and be gone? Funny how we all took all the topics to make small talks for granted. It is time we find ourselves new topics to have that small talk, but how?

What is there to talk about the weather? It comes and it goes. The rain leaves its dark clouds to the bright sunshine until comes the wind with the cold weather. Oh these summer nights feeling like a day in the winter! If the weather is not there to talk about, then what is?

Bills, bills, bills… All you want to talk about is the bills, but not really. Who wants to talk about bills? C’mon! You have to pay your bills, but that does not make it a hot topic in a small convo, no. So, if not the weather, not the bills you gotta pay, what else is there to talk about? Not everybody has a kid, nor cars, nor any interest in finding a new home to move in. What is there to mention in a casual conversation after corona left us under the truck?

Food, drinks, cocktails, fashion, books, healthy living and fitness used to be the topics for some people for sure… that is before this corona hit us all. No one seems to care about anyone’s expensive shoes that are not affordable in today’s economy. Who even creates sneakers that are more expensive than the unemployment money that the government is about to stop paying? Please don’t. What is there to talk about, then?

Traffic is not even that bad anymore to get pissed! If you can’t get mad at the people in traffic to complain about it for hours to someone who happened to take the subway, what is going to make you mad so that you can talk about it, complain about it, have a conversation about it? Definitely, not the traffic anymore. What is it then that you can tell someone? Can it be the conspiracy theories you have been searching about? Hell no! No one believes in conspiracy theories. People might think you are gone crazy! In that case… what is there to have a small talk about?

How about the latest TV shows you have recently caught up with? It sounds innocently nice but in reality, not so much because there is a big risk that comes with it. What if the other person has no idea what you are talking about, then what? You have guessed it right! Love, relationships, break ups, dating stories, dating apps, disasters as well as the blessings of dating. You would think corona would stop everyone from talking about dating, you were wrong. Love is the only thing that people can’t and won’t ever stop talking about no matter what virus takes over one’s body. The mind does not work together with the heart. The heart wants what it wants. The mind stays intact. Since love comes in a package full of heart breaks, disastrous stories to tell, and a life long damages to repair, it consists of hatred as well.

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

Not everyone can control the weather, or the economy, or the traffic but everyone can write their own love story to tell someone, someday. Let your heart wonder in the hills of those lovely fields of dating, destruction, pleasure, hate and love, where it runs up and down while your mind checks your pulse to survive the next disasters. Here is a topic to talk about at all times, for all your small talks with people you know, love. Love. Love of music, artists, life, flowers, programs, learning, living, life, anything and anyone at no cost.

King of My Castle

He Burned It Down to Ashes

Photo by joseph marrufo on Unsplash

One wise man once said, “ Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is greener and the girls are pretty.” As you might have guessed, as guessed it right this wise man belonged to the band we all know, Guns And Roses.
What a name to choose for your band. Guns that kill, roses that symbolized love. What is the message here besides the ones that is obvious? Can it be, maybe too much drugs? Just joking, smile. 

I once dated a boy who taught me life lessons here and there. He was into alcohol, drugs, and himself too much. I watched, I learned.  You see I am a person who learns everything because everything happens to us for a reason. Every experience is a new enlightenment, a new footprint in the deepest room of our human hearts where our souls laid down in peace.  Back to the boy, back to the lesson taught and learned, which I believe an important one.  I have been taught that cocaine takes you out of this planet where you think you are the king until you feel down, at times down on your knees praying for any kind of God beside your bed. Then, were you really the king after all? Do kings pray I wondered at times. Mostly my concern was the loss of touch with reality. He was a king, I did not understand where he came from.

“Talk about life to me.”, he would whisper in my ear as I opened my eyes to a sun shining brand new, hopeful another new day. I would tell him what anyone would tell him, you know. Life is a journey that we all go through with its ups and downs, blues and grays. He would then tell me, “Without white background the black dots would not exist.” At the time I thought he was talking about the polka dot dress that I had worn a couple of times, but in his mind he was whispering in my ear about his take on life. I see now.

Photo by Ben Mater on Unsplash

I did not see life the way he did back then. I surely agreed on the black points on white canvas or the other way round, pixels, and point screens but there existed other colors to life that I was willing to show him some time, and boy did I not try? From food to sports to music to parks. Once I bought him a ticket to a concert that was special to me, my soul, my little own world. Right before the concert we argued because the night before he went out, did not tell me and was out of control. On top of everything, he lied to me thinking I did not catch his tagged photos of being at a bar, puking in the streets and all. He told me he stayed in, lies. His head spun with the high he got from drugs when I was in my bed high on music that would give me the chills for the next day. Excitement takes over my sleepless nights when there is good music coming into my town. Indulging in a good kind of music softens my stoned heart. It gives a breath to my death soul. However, that night brought me only knowledge about the side that I did not yet know about myself. Chills would go around and round around my head to toes, my whole spine. I had no idea how everything would have turned out. That night, God spoke to me in a very not godly way but through the actions of others, music and by a given glance of new hopes. I had no idea the night before because the boy was high and I was feeling very low.

During the day I had rather been excited for the music that would touch my soul that night. I would rather be in a garden full of blossoming flowers, sunshine in my face, my feet on the grass, and my head in the clouds. I had rather smiled, sung with the birds, and eaten a caramel soufflé with ice cream on top. In reality, I had fought him, refused to see him, and lost my temper at some point screamed at him on the phone while sitting in Washington Square Park. He kept lying about things, adding more things, more lies. The sun was not out for some reason, and it started pouring. My feet got so wet, my mind was destroyed by the sound of the thunder. The garden full of flowers left its dreamy landscape to the thunder and mud. I heard a guy yelling that the thunderstorm was supposed to take place yesterday, not today. Well, my feet were supposed to step on the dry grass today, not yesterday. I was supposed to be happy to take him with me to tonight’s concert, not upset. 

His texts really did not sound like him. First he said one thing then, denied himself. He then tried to make an explanation of it only to contradict himself countless times. While this was happening I checked a message on my phone. It was my best friend asking me if I was nervous to go to the concert alone. I could not have been more nervous because I was actually going with him. My blood felt like it did not want to run and swirl in my body at that moment. Hands cold, feet wet, world destroyed I went to the subway station at West 4. He was still trying to make a point of his contradictions with himself by texting me countless text messages. Even he could not justify it all, how could I? He insisted he would be good company to me tonight if I had just believed he never had lied to me. But he did, and he would not be a good company for me that night. When his lies hit the shores of heart, they hit hard with all that crap on the surface. I do not mean to say the drugs, but maybe I actually refer to it. Who knows how my night will end due to him being the highest king of the kings when I just wanted to dance, humanly?

Waiting for my train with its delays to be over, I finally had gotten on it. Luckily, an empty seat winked at me. I winked back,  sat down, looked at my phone buzzing with text messages between him and his consciousness. I played my music, connected it to my headphones and closed my eyes for a little while. My eyes hurt from all the rain water. There I walked into a vision of my conscious calling out for me. Following step, my next to do thing  was easy; it was as easy as taking the next step yet this time a little closer, quieter.

I walked into the castles of my dreams with filthy walls of his. I walked into a dream in which I was a leaf flying from a grounded tree, he was the hunter who shot the bird on the same tree. I passed by lemon trees smelling citrusy, he sprayed them all with his febreeze to cover the smell. I opened the windows in my castle for fresh air, he locked all the doors, curtains shut. I tried to get out, he tried to hold on. He was the king of my castle. My castle burned in ashes. Ashes became little countless dust pieces, my dreams disappearing, my heart on fire. The smell of flowers turned into the smell of ashes. Every butterfly hid under my bed to become monsters. I held his hand to walk out with me out of the burning castle. He broke my fingers, tossed them in the air, in which I one day disappeared with the ashes of my own castle that was full of dreams, lemon trees and music. Then, there was nothing.

The next song woke me up from my dream. It was somehow a song about love that hurt. Slowly, I put the volume down, looked around and closed my eyes once again. This time, I wanted to take my castle back from him. I could be a warrior if he could be the king. It was mine after all no matter how he  denied it. At that moment, my phone rang so loudly that I lost my vision that was in front of my eyes a second ago.  I opened my eyes to answer my phone, and ended up ignoring it. He called me a couple of more times by the time I had gotten home.  Maybe, I thought I could stay at home, forget about the concert and cry to sleep. Although it sounded really peaceful in my head at the time, a quick thought had changed it all one hundred and eighty. After a long warm shower, a couple of instagram likes, perfume, make up I set for the adventure of my heart’s only desire, music. As it all sounded so good to one’s ears, it fell deaf on his. I called him to explain the situation starting with how much I did not care if he lied, drank, smoked; following I had to tell him that it was my turn to make my choices, which consisted of listening to good music, feel my heartbeat going with the music followed by my feet, dance. I also told him that I did not want to see him there. Overall, what was going through my mind was none of his interests, hobbies nor plans for the night anyways. Though he insisted on coming with me I refused. He said he wanted to come with me to keep me company. He said he wanted to be there to share my happiness. Before I hung up, he said he cared what made me happy even if it was going to a concert he had no interest in going otherwise. Truth is I had realized how I wanted to go without him, alone. I wanted to be where people like me were.

Photo by Alfonso Scarpa on Unsplash

First, my anxiety attack kicked. I called my best friend to help me. After talking on the phone for an hour or so, I walked into a bar where there were people of my kind. They listened to the same songs as we were about to listen to at the concert in an hour or so. I ordered some drinks to help me out. Seeing a friend there helped me the most. I prayed for his existence as I told him that his drinks were on me. He refused, paid for mine too. He then introduced me to some ladies, some guys. For a second, I found myself sitting at the bar checking my phone to see his long angry text messages. A guy walked toward me, asked me what I drank. We had started having a fun conversation before his friends joined us. After they left to say hi to one of their other friends, another guy approached and told me he loved my hair. I tried to tell him how long it took and such until the other guys walked up to me again. He came back to say that he would never come up to me if he were the other guy. After my restless questions of whys and more whys, he explained, “The first time I saw you here looking at your phone, I felt you. I liked you but I knew you would only bring trouble in my life. First, you were hot and beautiful. Then, as we were talking you were funny, smart and intelligent. These are the ingredients to trouble, honey. Have a good night.” The other guy had already left when the first one gulped the last bit of his drink with his words. He too left me at the bar. “Great!”, I thought. “People think I am a trouble here without even doing anything to anyone.” I wondered if he felt the same about me being a trouble because of my visible beauty, intelligence and sense of humor. What a stupid thing to do! 

My friend came up to me as I was getting lost in the mist of those melodies the DJ spanned out. He rather wanted me to socialize than sitting alone at the bar. It was a wake up call for me. I was not in charge of anyone’s opinions about me hence, fun times ahead. I met so many new people that night, which was incredible. My happiness did not get ruined by the text messages I received because my phone was in silence and in my back pocket. Somehow, we ended up being a group of people walking to the concert area all together. What followed us was the laughter, music and sweet memories of that night at the bar. 

Photo by Ahmad Odeh on Unsplash

I finally found my happy land to build a new castle for all of us. The girls I was hanging out with were amazing! We had great, high dimensional conversations that would take a man’s breath away, we did not care. Then, the guys joined us to carry that conversation along. We were all collectively wishing good upon all. All it took was one thought, then a step. The hardest was that next step, but once it was taken it laid all the good times ahead of us. As we arrived at the concert area, we all waited for each other at the door. Look at that! I just met these people yet we were all a union of hearts trying not to break, to be broken. Finally, we were in. We held hands, we almost cried as soon as we heard the music. We danced, we circled around the music. We shared our drinks, we laughed. Mostly, we were having one hell of a happy night … until he showed up out of nowhere. He had the nerves to show up at the time when I was happiest! Even after telling him not to go to the concert, even though he did not even know who was playing, even when he had no clue about the genre of the songs, lyrics, feelings, he HAD TO SHOW UP. 

If it were the old me, I could have given it up. Since this is the new me, I thought why not choose what you really want. Following my own heartbeat to this situation as well as my favorite music, I did not go to him but stayed with people of my kind- the kind who knew this music was not there to ruin someone’s good time. He left after deciding that I would not show up. I kept singing out and loud, my feet followed, the crowd sang louder. We all danced until the next morning, nonstop.

Long story short, instead of going home with one of the guys I met at the concert, I chose to go to his house that night. I called, he answered. I waited; he came to pick me up from the station. No words were spoken that night. As the silence covered both of us in his bed, he thought about his night at the bar after leaving me alone at the concert, I fell asleep on the thought of how unstoppable my feet can get when there is good music. Night had already left us a pocketful of sunshine for a new day in my opinion, in his opinion he was still the king of my tomorrows.

IRONIC SHOPPING EXPERIENCES – (Online Edition)


Photo by Etienne Girardet on Unsplash

If you ever wonder how ironic things get, just try online shopping with an open mind and little bit of awareness. There you will witness how ironic things can get. To explain this further, here is a list of weird findings online. Wondering how can things get really REALLY ironic? Please keep reading.

1- Let’s Start with Baby Girls and Baby Boys.
If you go on any website that sells women clothes these days (not all, of course), you will encounter a picture of a model presenting an article of clothing that has writings on it, which is fine. Everyone in this day and age is making a statement one way or another. But, the one that grabs my attention the most is the “baby girls”. The reason why it made me question my entire being is that they are found in WOMEN/ MEN (meaning adult) sections of stores, not kids nor toddlers. Imagine a woman in her 50s wearing a baby girl oversized t-shirt, walks into a supermarket and asks for a manager. Only Karens do that, maybe. How about you imagine a top executive woman who is mom of four, who also handles big corporate transactions, and then you see her t-shirt saying baby girl on a regular day. This is not to be judgmental at any level because it is obvious that the concept itself is cute. Calling your adult wifey or girlfriend your baby girl is cute, real cute. To some men, it is even hot that they are dating their babygirl. However, where is the balance in it all?
No balance, indeed because in any real life scenario if a woman acts like a baby, or irresponsible in any way, or immature, most guys automatically and biologically might think, “Hey, this girl is not ready to be in a serious relationship.”, or “This girl is too immature for her age”, or better yet some guys dare to tell a girl that they do not see a future with them because, “You are not ready to be in one. You are just not mature enough to have my babies.” You see how the real life slaps you in the face and puts a cherry on top by giving you a guy who is not even mature himself? Look at it from a woman’s point of view, that is a mature woman’s of course. She grows up in a family where she has to grow up sooner than later because, “There are responsibilities to be taken in real life”, her parents teach her. She goes to school, gets a degree, gets her masters, gets a job to finally settle down on this exhaustingly tiring life of hers, and now she has an option to wear a t-shirt that says, “Baby girl” on it? But she finally grew up, got mature. Now, being a baby is trending?
To conclude, baby girl concept is super cool. However, do we really need to associate ourselves with babies on our tees that we wear in public? How necessary is that? Ironic, isn’t it?

2- Good Vibes/ No Vibes

This gets a little personal here at this point due to a past experience with a borrowed t-shirt that I was wearing on a hot, humid day. I borrowed this t-shirt from a friend. It had a nice color overall, and said, “GOOD VIBES” in front of it. Well, I guess the irony about this type of vibe throws you under a truck to make sure that you are really vibing good. First, a drunk man commented on it saying, “Good vibes baby. Yes. Show me what else you got.” Then later on, some high guy commented on the t-shirt saying, “Give me some of them good vibes. I’m chillen. Let’s vibe in my bed.” After walking by these two, the last samurai finally showed himself to the writing on the t-shirt and said, “I’ll show you good vibes.”. All these had happened just because a t-shirt said good vibes on it, can you believe?
My advice for the people who got some good vibes is not to wear anything to make it public because at the end of the day, all your good vibes fade away by not very good comments, especially if you are a female. All you got is the vibes that you don’t want around you. Be careful out there vibing please.

Bonus point to this part would be the “I can’t breathe” t-shirts people wear on the beach or hiking. When you are hiking and see a t-shirt that says, “I can’t breathe”, your breathing pattern gets even worsened. I wonder what would those drunk and high guys tell a lady who were to wear a t-shirt that said they could not breathe, instead of “Good Vibes”. Cannot even imagine. There is a cause of wearing that t-shirt obviously but when I was wearing my Good Vibes t-shirt someone commented I should have put a smile to vibe good but I looked as sad as an old man. I wonder what would they tell the person who happened to wear, “can’t breathe.” t-shirt.

Photo by Kevin Bhagat on Unsplash

3- Men and Women Shorts

Now, shorts used to come in all size and shape, even color earlier in our humanly civilization. However, something must have changed dramatically because if you check a store- online or not, all you see is different types of shorts, especially for men. One of my guy friends commented on it earlier saying he had been looking for a “regular” men shorts but all he had encountered at the store was the mini short shorts. Of course, we all have a variety of shopping experiences by visiting very different websites and stores, no doubt. If you want a manly not mini short shorts, you pay a visit to those websites. However, some very common shopping places used to have this kind of stuff before. If it is a demand and supply kind of a decision making process for these well-known companies, I guess then more men want to wear mini shorts, which is great. However, do we not feel bad for those men who want only “regular” men shorts?
When it comes to shorts for women, it is a whole another story because they are also getting shorter and tighter while the tops are getting bigger, looser and even more oversized than ever. Again, if you are looking for something specific, thanks to internet you can get it with one click. You do not have to actually go shopping.

4- What’s Up with Coats and Jackets?

Please go on any website you desire, search for coats/ jackets for winter and witness what we have witnessed. Most of them (excluding some, of course) pass being a coat but… sadly enough, failed to be warm in any means. Mostly, if anything they are just nice jacket/ coats that are very fashionable. They have great color options to choose from, great styles, glitters and denims all over, yet lack of the ability to do their job that is to keep you warm. Then, it makes you ask, “Would I wear this jacket in summer?” Following you ask, “If I can’t wear this in summer or winter, then why bother paying for it?” Some coats really don’t make any sense in their existence. Come to think of it, who would want to wear a short sleeved winter jacket that is made out of fox skin? What about your skin on your arms? I wish I could share pictures but can’t. Please do some online window shopping, there you shall see the mystery of winter clothes. Promise is a promise.

5- Of Course, Shoes!!!

In the summer time, one might think it would be easier to shop for shoes. Women know it never is. Shoes hurt, they rip off your skin with no shame. If you are a woman working at an office environment, good luck. Same for men, because those shoes are just not there to entertain any of your socks. Socks slide like your shoes are the best kind of waterpark. I am sorry but there are ways to prevent all the pain that your shoes give you if you take a look at Google, Wiki How or Youtube.
Other than the office workers, some people prefer sneakers even in the summer time, which is safe as always ( as long as you wear well-behaved socks). Even though sneakers are safe to wear in any season, they are still the little place where you dig your feet in for a long period of time to carry your entire body weight. In the summer time, it might all get a little sweaty in there.
Besides the work shoes and sneakers, we have of course other options as well, such as sandals, flip flops, mules, loafers, and flats. Too many to choose from yet the designs say the opposite. You want to buy a simple pair of loafers? You cannot do that. They come in zebra colors, sometimes tigers. Some flip flop looking shoes on the market are already sold out. They look like flip flops but with straps around your knees. Oh, you wanted to get mules? There are all sorts of fake branded ones, but not a single pair that is just in one solid color. Good luck finding what you had in mind!

This list goes on and on along with invisible dresses , unknown and unfamiliar band t-shirts, men’s swim trunks (haha), pocket full of sunshine or full of pocket tees, ripped and dirty looking tops and bottoms, sweatpants that suffocate your ankles so you look shorter than you already are. Don’t you love seeing models wearing sweatpants with high heels on those websites? Yes! I’d like to wear me some heels while sleeping, too! The point is that we are both grateful for all the options that the internet is giving us these days and disappointed to have lost the sexy, classy yet simple looks. Good luck finding that one color article of clothing online! Be aware of the following,
– Neck design -Amount of pockets in one shirt -length of shorts -size(junior/adult/plus/over?) -Statements you are trying to make in public with that writing on your t-shirt -How many of your toes you can fit in one shoe and such. If you ever wonder how ironic things can get, just try online shopping with an open mind and little bit of awareness. It’s fun!!! 🙂

“What you wear is how you present yourself to the world, especially today, when human contacts are so quick. Fashion is instant language.” —Miuccia Prada

https://www.harpersbazaar.com/fashion/designers/a1576/50-famous-fashion-quotes/

EVERYONE HATES NEW YORK- (Doomsday Edition)

Nowadays, we can’t help but notice that the end is near. Maybe it is the online algorithms, maybe there are more than ever a number of preppers, maybe youtubers find this topic related to everyone’s personal life. Perhaps though as we get older we all get even more eerie of what the years ahead of us  might bring us by looking at only the year 2020. We don’t necessarily emphasize the doomsdays based on our personal beliefs, but from what has been going around- online or printed- kind of made it the whole point  in every website you click, every marketing strategy you see, every subway you take in New York City. You cannot ignore it because it is right in front of your eyes. You cannot escape from seeing it, because people on the subways make sure to put prayer cards and doomsday scenarios on every single seat for everyone. What do you do? Before you take a seat, you pick up that paper to read one of the below, 

*The end is coming *These are the end times *Pray for your end  *Pray *Read your bible *Jesus is back *Jesus is coming back soon *Say your last prayers 

And believe, you shall not be disappointed that there are many, many countless cards as such that you encounter on a daily basis. There are also cards left with phone numbers, waiting for you to call so that you are no more a sinner but a survivor. There are ads telling you to cover your mouth in a proper way when wearing a mask, right underneath you find your prayer cards, notes, scribbles, doodles and such without knowing who placed it there. But, that is not the point in this article. The end days might as well be coming or not, that is still unknown. From looking at some apps on your phones such as Citizens, social media accounts, news outlets, public speakers, discussions on the current economics/ stock market/ finance world, you can easily tell, it is not going well at the moment. 

Since all this has been made visible for everyone to read all this online, watch on everyone’s storyline, social media page, this article will not cover any of that. Rather than the current situations we are facing, there is one particularly bitter one that you will be reading in the following, if you choose to keep reading. 

New York! What a city majority of people have lately become so afraid of, hatred towards, hopeless for. What a city nowadays where no hope can be found in the streets where once glowed with fashion icons, street photographers, and most precious pigeons. It used to be crowded with tourists from all over the world. Most importantly, whoever made it to New York once, could make it to anywhere at any time no matter how late due to all those subway delays. Even the interns were forgiven for taking the subway, facing seemingly endless delays. How exhausted it got in New York at times that you could  see a subway car full of people sleeping their days away on each other’s shoulders during rush hours, sharing the tiresome visions of their pasts as well as their future. How hopeful at times people got by attending small gatherings at public places such as Bryant Park’s free concerts, Brooklyn’s fine outdoor concerts, city’s bright Times Square, discounted tattoo shops by world’s most famous tattoo artists, skater parks, pets’ playgrounds, museums’ free wide open doors, bikers’ paradise. It got very hopeful in those little short times, indeed. 

No matter how many angry people you came across back in the day, one person, one situation, just one nice gesture would make you forget about it in no time. New York was the one where everyone wanted to be without actually going through the hardship of it, yet only a few chosen millionaires made it to that level, and the rest lived through those hardships believing one day they could make it, too. They wished they could finally make it to a new apartment where they would live with less than five people in one room, maybe a new room where the landlord didn’t charge $200 extra for a mirror on the back of their door. Some people had so many high hopes that they believed if they worked hard enough they could afford being a vegan one day, going out dining well in those all lightened up places. Some people came to New York to freshen up their memories with their partners, maybe to marry in New York some day, find a great venue that was affordable at the same time. Some couples just visited New York to cross it off from their bucket lists, some even chose to move here with or without a job at hand. All that people had in New York (once upon a time) was hope. Because in New York you could eat at the same restaurant with a top executive, a millionaire, movie star. In New York, you could be alone but never hopeless that one day you could find your best friend. Diversity was New York’s middle name. You could eat any food from anywhere around the world. You could hear all sorts of languages, accents every time someone opened their mouth to speak. Once you lived in New York, you were accustomed to all sorts of cultural differences, moralities, variety in those dining etiquettes, common morals and such manners. 

People never understood  angry words, anxious decisions, silent tears that they witnessed in New York. They never even questioned any of such because in their knowledge there existed none. However, if we happen to think hard why a person from New York gets frustrated easily it may not even be their personality at all, but their surrounding environment where it is hard to make money that is spent easily, hard to make a living with people who never gave you credits, hard to make friends where none existed, and mostly, hard to make a living where you constantly saw high homeless people around. Ask a resident of New York, how many times they got jumped  for no reason, they would start counting their fingers. Ask a New Yorker family, how many times they had to skip buying meat, because they had to pay their rent for the time being. Ask any person in New York if they mind what kind of a job they do to have that extra income, none would say “No.”, even though they have their master degrees, training, knowledge and skills in something completely  different. No one cared what they did as a job as long as they made it for the time being in New York. When other people planted their gardens with beautiful plants, fruits and lemon trees, residents in New York shed tears in their small studio apartments praying for a roommate to share their room with to reduce the expenses, forget about a backyard lemon tree dreams. 

None of the above is to say New York is a place to live or that it is not. Just like everywhere in the whole entire world, it is nonetheless a place to live. It is not only occupied by the rich because the rich you see come visit New York City rather than living in New York City for a long period of time. They come but they go quickly. Homeless lives in New York, true. However, people who try their best to survive also live in New York. Warriors such as dads, brothers, mothers who try to give their family the best that they can live in New York City. They work day and night to feed their family, wifes, kids, girlfriends, dreams. Some young people find one day of going out as a punishment to their budget, expenses, life, being, so they stop going out at all costs and stay indoors hoping to make ends meet. Some go out all the time just to avoid their crowded rooms, their home where they eventually have to fall asleep. Some hurt other people, but in New York people protect people, too just like anywhere else we witness around the world.

This article is not completely about people in New York, nor the types of certain people who choose to live there. This article is to avoid people who believe the end is near and everyone in New York should die. The last couple of weeks, under almost every Youtube video there are lots of people shitting on New York. Some even dare to say they cannot wait for this city to be buried under the ground let alone the end of the times. There are a lot of comments under any video that is related to New York wishing New Yorkers nothing good but all the bad possible outcomes. This city has never been a safe haven, neither will it ever be, who knows. If you try to search any video with the “city”, “prepare”, “doomsday” in the same search box, and click on any that is related to New York, all hopes for people who live in New York City go down the drain, simply because there is none. Not to be negative in any way, but there is no given solution to any disaster that might one day take place in New York. None of the youtubers mention it. When it comes to giving advice for New Yorkers, all they say is to move out of the city asap. As that is not enough, people in the comment sections imply that New York City and its people deserve all the worst things possible. What are they forgetting? They are forgetting that there are families here, elderly people who need constant help, animal shelters, animals in general, nurses, electricians, plumbers, students, houses, husbands, uncles, wives, grandmas, dads, aunties, best friends, just like in other places around the world. Not everyone is rich in New York. If anything, it is the island of hopeless dreamers, romantics. 

When a person from New York tells you something straight up to your face instead of lying to you, their intentions may not always be to worry you but to warn you for next time, to teach you what they know, to linger ideas, exchange what is known by each person, and to learn from you as well. Is it better to be fake and lie, or honest? We all know people will keep saying what they have been saying about New York City, but hopefully  next time they remember that New York City is just like any other place around the world where families try to unite, friends share, lonely people live alone, elderly still needs help, babies are born, animals in shelters still try to find their home, people strive to survive. Nothing is as it seems in the media just like how New York City is not only made out of Times and Statue of Liberty. Think about it. In order to see the Statue of Liberty, even a long time resident in New York has to hop in that same subway line, then walk the same way, then take the ferry to travel to the lonely island called Ellis. To finish it with a positive message, please don’t take anything for granted. No matter what, when, how something happens, life is still made out of small moments. Nothing should be dictated by anyone’s current living situation. Surely, there are great people who would do anything to help in case if anything goes badly anywhere for anyone, always. There exist as many bad people as good ones, too. 

“If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity. For, in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children’s future. And we are all mortal. [Commencement Address at American University, June 10 1963]”- John F. Kennedy

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HOW DID HE LOVE?

He didn’t.

I open my eyes. It’s a morning rush that surrounds me until I understand that it is one fine rainy Wednesday. I do not work on Wednesdays. I try to go back to sleep but the sound of the rain feels like it is calling my name with every drop that falls on my air conditioner that stands in front of my window. What am I to do even if I do finally open my eyes to follow the rain drops? I try again to fall back to sleep harder this time.  

I wonder how long it will take for me to actually change into something less comfortable than my pijamas to make coffee. I can’t stay with my pajamas on while not sleeping. Little things like that are left to me to fight with every day since we broke up. It has been almost 3 years now since we broke up. No one said we were not dating anymore, we just stopped out of the blue. My theories, my latest text messages dictate I was not the one to do so, but him. He left me silently unlike the other guys I had dated before him. What is more, I tried to raise my voice in a way to say, “Hey, why don’t we talk anymore? We are still dating, right?”, yet I would have asked this for it all to get lost in the great mastery words of his pitchblack void space that is full of his silent words. No response ever received again.

I choose to wear a pair of leggings with a black shirt that has a picture of a vinyl picture on it. As I stand in front of the mirror, the picture of a vinyl takes me back to the time when we were playing a song in his car, in which event  we both wished we had been home to dance more freely rather than his car. Nevertheless , when we finally had arrived home after a long ride we did no dancing, but argued about the stupidest things. I packed my things, he did not beg me to stay. Vividly, I recall it had all started because he told me I was no woman like his mom, hence useless. His mom cooked, showed affection, loved helping people, enjoyed his company, and believed in the power of a family. He said I was no woman like his mother, hence cold. I made my argument points such as growing up in a different generation than his mom, his mom not working, her having all the time to herself and him, background to cook such amazing dishes and mostly my argument points were based on how his mom and I shared different family backgrounds. He brought up his points such as his mom this, then his mom that. I wanted to leave. We never danced that day but stayed in deep silence. I stayed. It was a rainy day just like today. 

I make coffee in the midst of all hope that gives chills to my body. It had to be this way. He probably had another girl anyways, just like my ex before him. Altogether, we were not meant to be. If we did, we would have known. Since we had broken up, I quit  smoking. He would be so proud of me if he could see me enjoying my morning coffee without any cigarettes. He did not smoke. He fought me every single time I smoked a cigarette. Once during one of our vacations, he made me cry by cursing at me and kicking me out of his car in the middle of nowhere I did not know at all because I smoked. The reason was the ash from my cigarette magically going into his eye when he was the one to tell me that I should smoke and enjoy the trip that we were taking in his convertible . He ended up  kicking me out. I kicked the cigarette out of my hand. He threw  words at me  endlessly. This was not about my cigarette but his anger for everything back at home. He kicked me out of his car. I relentlessly stayed. It was a rainy day in Miami just like today.

Anyways I need some music to take my focus out of him. I play my playlist. I make sure it is the one that I can sing along with. There are all sorts of songs there for each mood but instead of choosing the song for my mood, I let a song decide what my mood should be. Luckily, the song had already caught up with my mood without my intentions. “Same Damn Life” right after “How Did You Love?” from Shinedown. Usually never does my shuffle playlist play one song after another from the same artist, but what happened today is a question that I choose not to raise. I go ahead to sing my heart out, carelessly. 

“No one gets out alive, every day is do or die.
The one thing you leave behind is
How did you love, how did you love?” …

Photo by Jernej Graj on Unsplash

Well, relationships come and go. New becomes old in no time. Two becomes three, three goes back to square one. It is important to visit the past memories not to slap ourselves in the face because it was our fault , but to pat ourselves in the back to realize it was the best decision we made in order to learn one fine heck of a lesson. We should appreciate it was in the past because we no longer need to deal with that specific person or situation anymore. I decide not to ponder on this anymore, rather play some Marley and see what life has in store for me today. Who knew the sun would come out again, rain would stop suddenly and the rainbow would show up on a fine rainy day like today?

May your memories fade away like the rainy days and leave their way to the sun that warms your hearts.

Let me know what you think about this post.

Unheard Quotes by Unknown People with their Unknown Meanings

Photo By Letizia Bordoni

“There is a defined, bold and unseen line between you and the things you are about to do.”, my dad would tell me growing up. Every time I was in between choosing good or evil, he tried to make me remember that there was a defined, bold but unseen line between me and those that I would choose from. Since it is to be unseen, I always imagined it as different paths that I could decide to take.

“If something is worth not doing for you, don’t waste your time.”, my grandpa used to say. He was the type of man who was full of himself, and his free time to journal, read books (any and all types of books you can imagine), and on the side, his work, friends, and family life occurred. When he died, everyone remembered all the things that he had done rather than the ones he’ chosen not to get done.

“As simple as it seems, you will need to choose one over the other. When you choose the one that you really want, watch what happens!”, my best friend would tell me when I was feeling like a failure. With this thought in mind, she has been to places, learned new languages, become very successful at her job, and still on her way to reach out for those things she really wants.. over the things that she might or might not want.

“Your power means nothing unless you control it., my philosopher friend would say. At the time, I took it literally in my workout routine. Today, I see it is just way more than that, for power can take different shapes, forms, and meanings. It can be your mental, financial, religious, emotional power as well as your effectiveness, result- oriented nature, encouragement, even loving one another abilities. How much can you put yourself in other’s shoes? How many times you are able to do put yourself in other’s shoes because you just don’t want to? How many times do you feel challenged at a mental level? How about financial, physical? You might be SO powerful in those areas, that is if you can control those powers of yours. If you choose otherwise, it is the power that will be rotten in no time with no return value to you or anyone around you.

Photo by John Verhoestra on Unsplash

“Everyone and everything exist as long as people care to notice, give attention, and make it meaningful. Otherwise, nothing exists.”, my friend from college told me once. I found the philosopher who had this idea all along, which would later on lead to the two types of existentialists we talk about in today’s world. Schopenhauer is the philosopher behind this and many more ideas that really grasped my whole being the moment I started learning about him. On one hand, he was extremely hopeless for the reason being nothing had any meaning to anyone unless we chose to put a meaning on it, but on the other hand the philosophers who took this to heart were able to make a better outcome out of it by implying that if there is no meaning in anything, why worry about meaningless things? Well, of course the studies, the philosophers, and philosophy by itself have never clearly put it in those words but at least, that is, perhaps the meaning most people like me have given the thoughts of existentialists.

In this post, I have shared with you five (5) different quotes from both people around me and that one philosopher who seemed to examine life just like the other people around me but of course, with more knowledge in his field. I would like you to read each quote one more time, choose your favorite one and remember it, whenever you seem not to give a meaning on certain things.

Lastly, I would like to remind you the whole point of this article. It is a reminder for you to remember that things get meaningful or meaningless based on what you decide. Would you yell at the person who bumps into you by accident or would you choose not to put any meaning on it and walk away? It is up to you.

Camel

Camel: Camel is an animal that seems like a very basic mammal with four legs, two eyes, big lips, and humped backs. When you look at a camel it is inevitable to look away. You want to examine this creature to understand what he is carrying on his back. Are those all necessary? It is not easy to escape your brain powers to relate to this animal to your own human self, at least not at a physical level. How about if we use camel humps as a metaphor of our past relationships, happy memories, mistakes, childhood, regrets, well-made decisions?

Let me explain.

Camels depending on their types have one or two humps on their backs. No matter how many humps they own on their backs, a camel carries its humps everywhere. Camels walk around with their humps on their backs.The humps store food and fat in them, meaning they carry their energy on their backs. Food and fat become energy in the future and present. If a camel forgets to store food and fat-which I am sure is not a common thing along camels due to their survival mechanism, they are weak with no fat to burn for energy, no energy to run from their predators, no food to eat when hungry. Basic terms to explain the same survival instinctual behavior would be to use their stored up energy that comes from their past instinctual survival mechanisms.

What happens if we try to look at the same camel compared to humans, not so much in the form and shape but in a sense of instincts, carrying humps on our backs?

Human: A human is a mammal, just like a camel that  has two eyes, big mouth, big head, big dreams, a vast amount of energy if they have learned to save it in their past. Unlike camels, humans do not look at humans’ bodies regularly and think what they do with camels. In case they happen to stare at their own bodies- because again unlike camels they learn about the mirror effects at the age of 4 (if I remember it right from my psych 101 classes), as humans get older they learn to look away from their own bodies. They rather stare at someone else’s body for a short span of time, only not to feel safe in their own skins. However, this is only a difference between the human and a camel at a very physical and at the same time a little psychological level. Although, it is a good way to compare the two animals, there is a rather more explaining, more eye opening as well as more relatable way.

A Camel to a Human Metaphor: Imagine a camel as a human being. The camel is walking in the vast endless wild desert by itself. To survive, the camel saves the food and holds fat in its humped back. Imagine a human as a camel. The human walks in the vast, endless looking, wild journey of life by himself/herself. To survive, the human saves all the information that had ever been taught, told, thought, experienced in early life to survive in the future as well as in the present. Nevertheless, both animals have to survive. 

Camels use their instinctual habits to survive in the physical sense, humans have to do it on both the physical level as well as psychological/ conscious level.  Your parents hurt you in the past? Now you know how to care less. Your significant other cheated on you? Now you know how not to be gullible to lies. Your career went down the drain? You are now in the process of discovery for a new better option. You got divorced? You now realize life is not all rainbows and sandwiches. More importantly, if you broke someone’s heart in the past or you lost track of your own healthy living style, you can learn from it  by facing the consequences to step into a new realm of you, stronger, wiser. 

WE DON’T HAVE TO CARRY YESTERDAY’S WORRY ON OUR BACKS.

What would a camel do if it made a simple mistake if lost a hump or two?Die from hunger, disease, or get eaten by a predator for that camel having no energy to run fast, be furious. 

If humans were camels, we would die everyday from the traumatic experiences we had to face in our past. Fortunately, we live to survive in both dimensions of life. 1- Our physical actions can be corrected. 2- Our conscious actions can be realized, and corrected. 3- One affects the other.

Don’t carry yesterday’s worries in your humps. Leave your humps in the past.  YOU ARE NOT A CAMEL! 

Let me know what you think about this post

Bathroom Diaries

Why is it so hard to have peace of mind? “No one said it would be easy”, said no one ever because everyone is motivating us to first put ourselves first then to be a nice, kind and helpful human being to those around us. What do all these successful millionaires want from us by giving us a speech about time, relationships and money besides asking for our money to purchase their books, seminars and such?

I do not know if you work at any sort of work that has to deal with people all day long, then go work on your own body and mind at the gym or any kind of sports or maybe even short yoga session to get even more tired so only then you can go home exhausted and have that peace of mind? But then, it is all ruined with one phone call, or an email that is telling you to do more work or maybe a guest/ friend/ parent that talks to you for hours to put all their weight on you so that they can finally sleep better since they did not work that same day?

Yes? Welcome to “No peace no mind only Bullshit Club” then. I am here with you joining you from New York. I cannot tell you how tired I am but still chasing the rainbows of my lonely serene nights hoping it will one day happen for me. I can see the rainbow at nights, right? In fact, I cannot even tell you where my only alone time takes place… You guessed it, bathrooms.

Bathrooms are the places where I am all alone. Bathrooms are the ones that I stand still- no phone calls, no texts, no small talks. Bathrooms are where every action of peace takes place for me. Bathrooms are quiet, peaceful and spacious. Forget about the peace between countries/ politicians and actors in those series you watch. Bathrooms are a mirror reflections of the Heavens. They are emojis that you want to use all the time, little hearts with open eyes.

One deep breath..

2

3

4

You are dead because while you are in the bathroom doing your overthinking someone had to knock on your door out of all the other ones that exist. Because just like the other ones, someone had to shit on your peace of mind- literally. You know the one that you are about to give up on. Don’t give up, don’t give in. If you take your time, they might leave. Oh, no bad news! They are waiting because none of the other bathrooms have any toilet papers left or maybe they are only occupied. Who gives a damn when you lose your own shit? Calm down, zipper up, face down, phone goes into your pocket.

Walk out of there. As one Iron Maiden song goes, ” Run to the hills! Run for your life'” Run out of the bathroom.

Wash hands. Check yourself in the mirror. Okay, you now look like the person whose serene life can handle everyone else’s toxic little world problems. Leave it all in the bathroom.. Great! Buckle up, get ready for all answers you have to give back to imply that you are listening,hmm, yea, oh yeahs and go. Good job, smile! 👏

If you are anything close to the edge of your own nerves go do your exercises to take it all out after work/ during lunch hour or even better right before you go home, which will only cause you to lose sleep once you arrive home because there is definitely that one person waiting impatiently to ruin your whole night, steal your time for yourself and lose your sleep. How long can you handle this? If there were a contest for people like you and I, I would not compete you because by the time I start, you or I will be giving ourselves out to someone else’s problems anyway, forgetting our own. Carry on like we do not have a life, trying to survive, trying to be the breadwinner for our little, hungry stomachs.

No matter what you do, please take your sweet time in the bathroom. Enjoy the peace of mind it brings to you, for it is the only place where you can achieve it.

Best Wishes,

Leafy

His Name Loved My Name

We were young.

I fell in love once back in my middle school times. He loved me I loved him. After two days of non stop talking, hanging out at school as well as after school, I felt like I could not breathe. All the fun that I was having before loving someone went straight out to the window. I was now a girl who loved someone hence a part of the couple theory. After two days of being a couple, I had realized that I did not want to be. All I wanted was to be part of my life before loving someone. There happened a big argument between myself and the boy I loved. It was hard to explain why I did not want to be a couple with him anymore. I wanted to play sports, hang out with my girlfriends and instead of meeting up with him every day after school, go home and have a chat with my mom. I wanted to be me before him. He raged against me, our friend groups and my whole point of view about couple’s lives. I could stand tall and strong, but could not swallow his words said for my friends. After all, I never put my friends down for love. The boy and I were in different classes which helped me to settle down with my transition from a couple’s world to the classroom spirit. He on the other hand kept on raging. I remember this girl coming up to me to say that he took her pencil case because he wanted me back. “ENOUGH!’, I said after witnessing his rage with people around me, went straight to his corner. He was surrounded by his friends who loved soccer, eat soccer, play soccer, vomited soccer. I asked for the pencil case that belonged to one of the quietest girls in my class. They all played dumb and dumber yet they had no idea what I was capable of. At least, that was what went through my head. I asked for the pencil case again, over and over again until one of his friends admitted it was in the boy’s bathroom. All the time I stood there in my own rage, the boy watched me. His eyes were all over me, melting with my every move. I tried so hard not to look at the love that came from him, because if I did I would have remembered how much I loved him in return. Love was rage to me at that moment; I was not going to soften up. Off I went to the boy’s bathroom to pick up the pencil case. There were writings all over the mirrors in the bathroom. Being curious as I was I wanted to read them, however I did not because I was there for the pencil case. I looked for it under the window, it was not there. I checked the back of every stool to find the case in the back of the last stool I looked. There was a writing on that same wall that was hard to miss. It said with big capital letters in an ugly  boy handwriting way that his name loved my name. I took a sharpie out of the girl’s pencil case, scratch all over the writing until one of the teachers caught me in the boy’s bathroom. I was punished and given a second chance to make it up to my teachers by cleaning the mirrors in the boy’s bathroom. All he did was to skip his class to help me with cleaning the mirrors. We cleaned mirrors together, told each other we loved each other and left for our separate classes in session.

I READ MEN WITHOUT WOMEN by Haruki Murakami

I had read two different stories by him by the time I started reading Men Without Women. Haruki’s stories always took me back to my teenage years. It should not be a surprise since he writes about his own teenage years in his books though his are called fiction, my past had actually had happened. Who knows maybe his fiction is not very fictitious after all.

I was very excited to be reading Men Without Women at first. Every story left me with suspicion of what was to come. Since I only have spare time on my way to work and home from work, those were the only times I could read my books. Every time my stopped was announced, it felt like the story I was reading at the time was screaming, “Finish reading me!”

Now, for some stories I felt so deep down in my spine, I actually missed my stops. Rather, I had to take the train back to my missed stop, which in the end gave me more time to read while waiting for the next train. I never complained. However, some stories made me ask more questions. The one with the snakes for example. I had a dream about it the night I started reading it. I had the second dream when I finished it. Nights followed days, days turned to nights. I finished the book with that one story on a day that I broke up with him. Men Without Women… What a meaningful word order he put them in, combined, wrote and kept writing. You would think it ends there but it does not. Your spine gets tingly, your hands sweaty and your tongue dry. Like a drug addict, you want to read more of his books.

After finishing the last story, I turned to Youtube and Google for some answers. All I could watch was the comments that degraded the author. They made him look very unprofessional and careless about his writing. I have to admit seeing good comments made me very happy. Not all were letting him degraded like that. On the other hand, every bad comment about him made me more furious. I agree that he uses a lot of ancient metaphors at times. However, these books are translated from Japanese. Can we set aside all the “professional writing structures and rules” and feel what he is actually trying to do? After all, by using simple rules he is getting his stories across to millions of people-in which same process he shoots at the center of the heart. Does it not matter at all? I guess it depends on those teenage years one had, how open one’s heart is and whether one looks for beauty or ugly.

8 VERY SATISFYING Relationship Advice

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I could make a list of traps for you not fall for but if I do, you never learn. I could also tell you what to-do and what not-to-do, again you would not learn. You would think you did and stop living, breathing maybe even loving. But listen, I am only I am because I have been who, with whom and where I have been to. My only truthful advice to you would be that. You have to live it.

Rest is time, money, memories, break-ups, salty tears, as well as hope, modernity of love, challenge to keep up with different type of people that are not up for the challenge like yourself, and maybe days to reminisce about. Me-mo…i..r. Let this be my memoir determined to share my hardcore, tough learned lessons.

Lesson 1- Don’t be scared to go for it.

Every relationship is there to teach you something. If you are about to get into a relationship that you are not sure about, go for it. If you never do, you will only regret you did not or think about the possibilities of it later on. Go for it. You can only know when you go for it. However, this is also one of the worst advice as well. To you it is the worst, to me it saves you time, both from your future regrets and blame games  for not trying it now and the time that you would otherwise have been thinking about going for it or not.

Lesson 2- Make yourself visible

We all get it. You are busy, he is, she is busy, too. In this modern world, we are all bunch of busy people walking around to go places. Make that place, your destination. Make your destination your relationship. Take a walk, train, an Uber there. If YOU do not do it, one day someone else will. Make yourself visible to them, not hidden & online.

Lesson 3- Keep yourself from smelly environments.

Alcohol smells like alcohol. Trashcans smell like trash. A shaved and showered body smells like an invitation. Alcohol may or may not invite the wrong crowd to you but newly showered, beautifully moisturized body sure will get you who you want. Watch your smell, smell your crowd.

Lesson 4- Bikini Top Knitted Windproof ski pants

Make up your mind. For good or bad, there has to be some options you choose from. “Opportunity knocks only once”, they say but do not be fool enough to think this is the time to think about your one and only opportunity. Stop overthinking about it. What if it were not? What if it were? Find your ground, stand tall, dance under the rain and don’t worry about showering when you get inside. Enjoy the rain. Your tongue can catch one or two raindrops full of opportunities for you. Take the lead and make up your mind.

Lesson 5- If you are contemplating your own relationship, your friends will do, too.

Stop telling them everything. Listen to yourself. Listen to your heart. Then listen to your partner’s. Who knows maybe if you could keep your mouth shut for some time, your hearts could talk. Understand not everyone likes to talk and communicate like you. Stop complaining about your relationship to your friends all the time. Do it once in awhile. If you do it all the time what is the point of being in this relationship with your significant other anyways? You can’t even talk to your partner about anything. Don’t be a coward. Talk to your partner for better results. Keep friends out of this. Keep your friends close, but your partner closer.

 

Lesson 6- Amplify for a hopeful relationship

Sometimes we get hopeless if one little thing goes wrong when in a relationship. I was talking to my friend the other day and he told me that he never texted his date back again because he saw dirt in her one nail. :S I know! But hey he had no hopes from the beginning so he chose to go silent on that girl. HOWEVER, if you had hope in the beginning and you are still hoping that it HAS THE POTENTIAL to get better, then stop finding excuses to shut your partner up. Listen. Put their volume a little more higher than before. Hear it, hope to find a solution for it. Amplify the happiness along with the hopeful future that he or she might be able to give you someday. 

Lesson 7- Seven is HEAVEN! 

You either do ALL that there is to do to carry this relationship from one level to another or don’t, there is a HIGHER power above us all who/what knows everything better than you. Therefore, if after all the other six steps your relationship still sucks, take a deep breath and well, hope for the better. That is not to say your next one will be better. In fact, I can guarantee you that after dating someone for a long LONG time, the next one who comes is never enough. Yes, marvelous in the beginning yet will never beat your ex! (Unless you ex used to beat you or harm you in anyway. Because if you have to leave a relationship because of domestic violation and such, run as fast as you can. Do NOT look back.) But.. If that was not the case… then remember, the new person comes with his/ her own baggage. 

Lesson 8- Relationships ATE me alive ! 

Good news: You are ALIVE! Bad news: You worry too much. Whether you are in a relationship or not, your focus determines your future. Focus on yourself. As one of my really awesome friend told me yesterday, ” You will be the one to see yourself in the mirror everyday. We need to take care of ourselves first. “

  • Written by a relationship expert: A Leafy

Breakup Letter to You and My Self- Indulgences

Who could have known?

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Maybe we could have been happier. Nevertheless, that could have been impermanent. All the hope- call it “spark” is gone out there somewhere in the mist of an ocean that is wide, endless and dark. It is not swimming against the current as it usually happens in the romance movies and books, neither is it fighting for its own free existence anymore. It has vanished somewhere at the bottom of nowhere in the grand vast dark and blue ocean. Don’t think it might still be found one random day by some scuba divers as it was the case with Titanic, because again this is no movie. 

Fire burned it- our passion for each other- into little unseen ashes, then flew it towards the air; from where it had gone to the ocean, perhaps. Therefore, you can find the ashes of little pieces where there is no restoration possible, ever. This is not Titanic after all. All it can and it will be is memories in our heads for awhile, then possibly soon enough will it be left to the wolves to be eaten out there in the wild. We will move on. Memories will be left behind. Ashes will be stirred up, waves in the oceans will be moved; nothing floats everything drowns.

This is how it is done. There is no going back. As the saying goes, where there is will there is way. No one mentioned the outcomes when there is no will, yet it is not that easy to figure out. If there is no will power, there is no power in whatever it is. For us it was “us”. For you, it is “you”. For me it is nothing but questions these days. Goodbyes can be the echoes of ashes for now, in which you might see contact here and there. Then, the contact will disappear as well. Life is the totality of all that there is right? All that “there was” moments take place in the past tense. We are past tense. We were tense. Now we are tense in the past. 

Great to be alive though.

Patterns only make us aware of more patterns. Once one is broken it is a hope that we get to break the others without realizing that we are burning the bridges to build new ones, breaking patterns to create new ones. Therefore, here I write on a notepad all that there is and there was about us so then I can build my own bridges soon enough, then maybe to burn them to build new ones with someone else. At the exact moment though, I can assure that my own bridges will take awhile to be built up again. Burning them, not considering their importance to self and believing in the possibility of impossible love stories, I am torn. Time can only help but it is not the medicine I need. It is me, the greater will power in me and the higher power that is bigger than me. In that power I trust, becoming a new pattern in my own shell is the greatest gift that I could ever give to self, my self. The only self I really have. Little love, little peace of mind and just the right amount of hope will just do me fine. 

Self- courage is the teacher I love the most among the others. It gets me in trouble when it whispers me to go for a new person in a relationship, but afterwards it does not waste no time to heal me to make me better than any healers I could pay, stronger and self- effective. Now that it is time to move on to me, I can only get excited. All I need is new playlists, new songs, new photo albums and new breakfasts. By the time I am me again, I shall see the light at the end of the tunnel called, “relationship”.

How could I have known one day my patterns would have given me a chance to explore more than there was? Thank you love. Thank you the Highest of all the High Powers.

Lastly, thankful for “my sleeping” patterns: NOW IT IS THE TIME THAT I let go. I wake up. I am ready to receive. 

Good bye!