Pluto Type of Transformation- Thanks to his cheating

Photo by wilfried Vowoto on Unsplash
https://unsplash.com/photos/s3nSw6Hkrw0

“What is the next step? Where do we go from here? “, he asked simply. As much as I tried to stop myself from saying a word to him, I could not handle all the emotional baggage that had fell on me all of a sudden. Where do we go from here? How can he even dare to ask me this question when he is the one who cheated on me? I tried, oh God did I not try not to say a word because I knew that the moment I open my mouth, fire would spill out of my mouth, which in return would come back to me as being the aggressive one in this relationship. How dare can you look at someone in the eyes after cheating on them for the longest time? Heck, nothing is going to happen. To hell he can make his way to, but I am staying here. Oh, God! Oh, Great Universe! Dear, Buddha! What is my lesson here? What am I trying to learn in this lifetime of mine that I still, for reason cannot get a grasp of. Okay, focus, and wait until he gives up waiting for an answer. Just look back into his beautiful eyes.

“Are we not talking about our issues openly anymore? Do you want me to explain why I did it?”, he says. He SERIOUSLY says he is going to tell me why he did it. Oh, how badly I want to know why he did it. It cannot be the sex, I am sure of it. It might be because he never liked my cooking skills even though I honestly think that it was not that bad, plus he always ended up eating everything I cooked. I cooked, indeed…. From this day on, I will never cook for this guy who is now standing so close to me, looking at my eyes waiting for an answer. A stupid answer! Whatever I saying this situation will sound SO stupid. I am so stupid for believing his lies all this time. Was he texting me from other girl’s bed when he had told me that he would be working until very late? How could that be? Okay, well he is waiting. I guess I have got to choose my stupidity card now. In which way do I want to be stupid today? Am I going to feel stupid by asking him his reasoning behind his cheat story, or am I going to feel stupid by telling him that I do not want to know why?

“Do you want me to leave?

Of course! Just leave but no, not now…and surely not forever… Don’t maybe leave me because what am I saying? I should be the one to leave him! I nod my head silently. Not even a sound of that occurs from me to the space that we are both taking. He goes into our old bedroom to pack his stuff in his tiny, shining luggage that we bought together before we went to see his parents in Miami. I go to the kitchen. My tears had better gone back to my eyeballs. They should just in my head. On the kitchen table stands a big box that is obviously flowers. I should be calm. I should indeed be so calm that we do not end up in the hospital after breaking this flower vase on his head! I am calm. No, I am not. A look through the kitchen window lets everything dawn on me, makes it all crystal clear. Why do I have to be the one to think about what to do when he should have been to think about all this before he cheated on me? I might not have anyone to go to, but I have me! I feel like this is it. This is the time that I can transform. This is that Pluto type of energy that is running in me. I can hear the bells in my head, hence storm into our old bedroom.

“You are stupid! You are stupid because you threw away our past, present and the future. You are stupid for not telling me that you were with someone else. You know, I could have cheated on you hundred times more with hundreds of different men in no time. I did not do it because I thought… Well, I did not want to. I am not a cheater like you. I am not stupid like you.”, I yelled at his face looking into his deep, dark, beautiful eyes.

“Becca, we are getting married. I love her.”, he says out of nowhere. He could have at least warned!

“What?”, is the only answer that I can give him. A question is sometimes better than a comeback, I hope.

“Yes. We are getting married soon. I have already.. well…proposed to her. I just want to apologize to you for being an asshole to you all this time. I am sorry. You are an amaz…”

I run to the kitchen breathing fast, faster to pick up the stupid flowers that he sent me earlier. One hit on his head would finish him. It would make him stop talking. I grab the stupid flowers to break it in his head, fast walk to the stupid room. Now, I cannot breath. I am not sure if my breathing stopped or it didn’t. I don’t think I can breath. I can’t even feel my hands anymore. It gets so bad that I drop the flowers on the floor. He rushes to help me find my lost breaths. I see him but the fire from my chest does not let me breath. There is only one way, one way is the only way to get rid of this pain. With my hands shaking; I cover my face, fold my legs in my stomach and just let all the memories of him go like a high speed waterfall. I finally cry. I cry and cry. One tear follows another on my cheeks to my sweater. Every single memory with him now a block of lego that I step on to hurt myself even more. The legos do not end anywhere visible, the pain goes on. He just watches me for couple of minutes, then stupidly looks at my face and says he is sorry, and that he is leaving me because I deserve better, and he deserves a wife. Did he just imply I am not a wife material? If he had ever asked why, I could have told him I was but scared. Since when women are not allowed to be scared to be a wife?

“I opened the windows to help you out with your breathing.”, he mindlessly comments on my situation, and looks down to his ringing phone. Someone is facetiming him. I never facetimed him because.. well I never felt the need to, I guess. Then I go back to remembering all the things that I probably should not be remembering when he is there standing. I thought he was going to leave. “I am sorry but you need to leave me alone. Please never call me, text me. Don’t even dare to conversate with me if you see me at a random restaurant, okay?”. The moment I say these words becomes the same moment that I realize how downgrading it was to be in my position. I wish I could just dig these carpets and hide from everything and everyone forever.

“I understand your frustration.”, he says.

“I’m not one of your customers. You don’t have to talk to me that way.”, I respond.

“Sorry, I was just..”, he tries to finish his sentence but I interrupt him. “You are not sorry. You are a liar and a cheater for sure, but not sorry! I wish we had never met!” Instead of paying attention to my hurtful words, he looks down to his still ringing phone. He never looked at me like he looked at his phone at that moment. I think he has to go as soon as possible!

“I feel better now. You can go.”, I tell him without looking.

“I loved you, you know.”, he says before I close the bedroom door on his stupid face.

He leaves.

All of a sudden, I feel as if a thousands of pounds of a weigh gets lifted off of my shoulders. The sun that was shining so bright on my face when I was in the kitchen earlier slowly is getting ready to set.

Later on that day, as I was cleaning his mess from our old apartment, I pick up a card that is from the flower place. It has a note on it. I flip the card to see the following written words. “You are promoted!”. Just like the Pluto type of energy, I believe I have transformed myself into a brand new woman who is better than the woman that I was before. I killed the one who thought she was stupid, and let the strong woman in me live. Thanks to my ex.

Of course, a BIG Thank YOU for reading! 🙂

Meet Me in the Middle

Photo by Ozan Safak on Unsplash

because I respect you as you respect me, too

Many people believe in things that do not make any sense, such as sleeping with or without their socks on. Same fruitful event yet different approaches make it seem like a legitimate interdimensional difference in one’s world. How we sleep affects the way we wake I guess, or the dreams we have. Not long ago, I have figured everyone had a different approach to things, not only sleep but things in general. You might tend to think waking up early is the best way to approach to life yet your neighbor might get more things done than you do even when he or she wakes up later than you.

It is sometimes a given fact that a person who gets done more ends the day well, hence sleep well. However, here you get yet another slap on your face by another thought-provoking opposite idea, what if someone who gets more things done in a day who also wakes up late – that is very not the type of thing you can accept- fails to finish all the chorus with couple of mistakes here and there? Now we have three questions in total so far.

1- Who gets up early?
2- Who gets more things done regardless of what time the parties wake up?
3- Who gets more things done better than the other regardless of what time the other party wakes up and how many things they get done?

I hope you can see how everyone can approach this differently. When one can confidently think waking up the earliest is the most important, another can get all the work faster. How about the third one who gets everything done peeerfectly? Each on his own, for sure. This is absolutely not an article to discuss which one is the most important. This is an article to raise at least a little bit of an awareness about how people differ among their own natures. We cannot expect everyone to think the same because no one is the same. No one, absolutely no one had the same childhood, neither has everyone grown up in the same family or have been to same places at the same time. Not everyone will be exactly the same person who has learned and applied the same values, love, approach and respect to the same things as you do. Please, understand this. Write it in your soul. Tattoo it on your skin. If we all cared about the same exact things as everyone else around us, we would all be robots. You are not a robot, just like how your neighbors are not robots, or your co-workers, friends, family members, classmates are not robots. We might be getting more robotic, true but we still have our own personal past memories where the line has been drawn in certain things and acts.

Sure we would love to see someone who cares the about the environment as much as you do, yet the truth is that is all a fantasy. Think about it, no one has the same tongue. The shapes and all are all different. You might taste the same orange but what difference does it make if you are both tasting that orange differently? Are you on the same page? Never 100%. Some people see the dress in gold, some pink, some blue. Can you change that? No. You love animals to a point where you would die to save one animal while some people hate those same animals that you care so deeply for. I believe that is where the term, ethics can help us. Ethics can help us in a way to get along with each other in a society with some certain basic laws. If your heart is broken by someone who does not care about your relationship as much as you did, you cannot blame that person one hundred percent. You do not know what kind of a devastating last break up that person had gone through. You do not even know that person’s strengths and weaknesses that are never truly shown. Relationships, partnerships, family relations, they are all the same.

Take a look at psychology. Everyone faces their past to fix their future mistakes or at least to minimize them. Take a look at astrology. If your Saturn is in your fourth house and meets Uranus at some certain angle where it is also affected by the angle of Mars in YOUR chart, you get a divorce. Don’t compare yourself to your friends. Your chart is different, just like your past, so will be your future.
Take a look at someone’s educational background, lost pets, daily routines, daily dosage of good new and bad news they get or do not get. You can’t be them. They cannot understand you fully. You are you, they are them. When I lost my job one rainy day, after crying for hours over it, I took the train to go back home to do some more crying and thinking. There were all these dancers on the same cart as mine who were performorming for everyone there to collect money. As much as I wanted to appreciate their happy vibes, I was just not on the same level with them. I did not have to be in any way. One of them got very pissed at me for not watching them only to yell at me more, put me down more, curse at my face. He almost hit me for not watching them. I on the other hand had had so much for that day, I could not participate in his freak show aggression against me in public. I reminded myself over and over again, he did not just get fired from his one and only job, I did. Look, he did not even ask me if I was having a good day. All he expected from me was for me to watch him perform his dance and spare change. What he did not realize was that I could bet he had more money than me at the time. We were different. I did not expect him to understand me, so I let it go. He wanted so desperately for me to understand him, so he stuck his nose in my life. He got angry, I had zero emotions for his overreacting act of playing it cool in public.

Here, it is not about accepting and forgiving a person, no. Because if and as you do that, you give a piece of yourself, your thoughts, your attention and time to that particular person. Instead, turn to yourself to understand yourself. If the other person wants to understand you as well, then all the doors of the universal love opens up. The force becomes the love and mutual understanding. Only then, only by telling and listening both parties can see how different they are from each other. It does not matter what color of socks you sleep in as long as you are responsible enough to get what you need to get done for the day. I believe by taking responsibility for your own actions, respecting the others, there is no mountain you cannot hike. Every action has a reaction. Listen to your words, read your own chart, others will follow with their own. Imagine a world where everyone meets in the middle. 🙂