Don’t Break Your Cycle

I wish I could tell everyone why I was so hesitant to go. Leaving everything behind was not the problem as it never has been, but leaving my compassionate self really hit me in the core. You can leave places, people or even memories behind in time but it is always harder to leave all those thought patterns you, yourself have created all this time!

Some time in the past some really traumatic incident happens to you; breaks your being into millions of little pieces that seems like it will never be the same again. Therefore, in order to change that mentality you challenge your mind and body. Little talks are fine, but those big conversations with yourself gets tougher each time. Daily walks are helpful but when you sit on that couch, everything sinking in is what makes it challenging. You think all these things had happened to you for a reason but there sure is a way out. Plans over plans become your best friends. Instead of your future, you try to focus on your only valuable asset at hands, now. You try to get over the past by living in the now to live your future in a lot more peaceful way. When you get up, take a nice warm shower to relax yourself you keep thinking on the hows, then “why me?”s, jumping on to your own self desired conclusions. No solid answers leave no solid solutions on the mirrors that are now blurry with the heat of the water.

Stepping out of the shower has maybe never been that upset before when you think about your next move. You rarely not do anything but this time is different. This time you want to make your move, any move would be fine , yet you feel tired as never before hence sleep. Sleeping is a getaway yet it is a perfect solution at the same time to run way from the now that you were once determined to live in . Ups give their ways to the downs to then the darkness caresses all over both. You tugged in in bed turn to the left to the right pondering on the same move that you have promised yourself to make years ago. Maybe, it was your childhood but your therapist does not think so. Your childhood was not so bad comparing to some psychopaths. This world is full of them where they are mentioned in every movie, tv serious and shows but you are just a normal human being who is just maybe not feeing belong. Maybe you don’t belong to this world that is filled with all psychopaths and narcissists. Your therapist is right. These kind of thought can drive a person crazy, further locked up in a place in the middle if nowhere. In any case, you look for the keys to open that door that is shining right in front of your eyes, waiting to be opened by you. You just happened to be lost in the middle of it all to think clearly about bringing your key with you. Even the light that is sneaking in the room from the sides of the door in front of you does not make you move in anyway. The empty looks in your eyes look back at you, the door gets lost in no time. Great! Because now your last chance of opening this door to yiur next move is lost, too.

You open your eyes from your deep dreaming state, turn on your laptop to look for jobs, any job would do fine even though you think you were made to shine with a talent of yours. Considering how unreal this thought is, you throw it in the back rooms of your mind to never to think about it again, ever. Grab a pen, write a goal. Laugh at your own joke, toss it out. Make some tea, check the time. Time you have wasted is tossed out in the garbage, too.

Apply for that cashier job as you did before. At the end of it all, you aways get these type of jobs. Fail to break a cycle, you end up nowhere. Think positive, see positive, but don’t break that cycle that you have created for yourself in the first place.

This is inspired by my friend’s story. Thank you for reading. ✨🧚🏻

The Choice is Yours

One day you are in, one day you are out of yet another person’s life. It is a devastating feeling to be apart at first, no doubt, but if you do it as fast as possible, as carelessly and less analytically as possible you are out of it without any shots going through your heart, or is that so? Majority of the therapists would not think so due to the long and hard-earned reasons of the science of psychology overall. For instance, in theory you DO need to take your time to ACCEPT the fact that you are out of someone’s life. You DO have to be very analytical over the subject to get your head around the “fact” that it had NOTHING to do with you. Some would say, see it, don’t fight it and still accept it. Now, that must not be easy to do so, accepting. Would you accept someone if they knowingly hurt, say a kid who wanted a toy but ended up getting a good half an hour cry for not getting it? I don’t think that was a great example for the fact being kids should not be allowed to get everything they want anyways.

Try this next example to see if you would be able to accept a problem that was caused by someone else upon your life. Think about a friend who borrowed your most favorite outfit. If your friend never dares to bring it back to you, or even say a thank you for letting him or her borrow your personal favorite article of clothing, would you simply look at this situation to SEE it, ANALYZE it only to ACCEPT it? Would you say, “I don’t mind if my friend does not care about my own values. I don’t blame this on my friend. I accept the situation. Great! Let me live my life peacefully now.”? NO! If you never point out to your friend what he/ she did wrong to you, how can you expect the next time to get any better? Just like that, seeing, believing, and accepting traumas do not solve the damage that has being done on you.

One person in, one is out. People let us in because they want to. It is as simple as your own name to you. Following the best times come the bad timings, ugly words, wrong choices, awkwardly quiet conversations. One day you are having the best conversation of a lifetime, one day the same person chooses his or her words carefully. So carefully in fact, you want to vomit out of boredom yet this is the same person who also has given you the best times, too.

Humble solutions can solve situations like these at times. For example, instead of accepting we have yet another choice laid right in front of our eyes, solve it. How? By talking about what bothers you, mentioning about the points that make you uncomfortable, discussing what went wrong where and when exactly. This ultimate solving mentality causes a person not only to realize the situation, but to solve it too. Imagine the next scenario. Someone used a trigger word with you. Talk about it, realize why it bothered you. Instead of creating problems, always remember your other option is to solve an existing problem and destroy it. The choice is yours, truly.

Intoxicated World against The Heart Chakra

Last week, I came across a life changing message bombarded from everywhere, the heart chakra. From people telling me to listen to my heart to being given a tarot card from the most random person about the heart chakra to being told that gratitude’s wonderful return to the heart, and of course the question that is, ” What are you going to do on Valentine’s Day?”. You know forgive and love everyone type of talks were everywhere I unintentionally had been to.

To take away from it all I went to see a movie alone on Feb 8th, Friday. The plan was that it was going to be a scary movie where I would not have to hear the same conversation topic that was popular to bring up when with me, heart and chakras. As I was watching the movie, a friend showed up with some extra buttered popcorn so that I knew that I was loved. Oh, and the movie was okay yet to your surprise, it was about the love of this psychopath’s love for women’s hands. Yes, guess which movie. Love is in the air.-

They say, “Home is where your heart is.” Well… As a first glimpse of it all, I took the hardest way out to challenge myself. First step was to watch videos of course, then I moved on to talking to people who are more knowledgeable than me in this area- chakras, heart, loving, receiving, giving, spreading the love etc. I believe my heart is different than theirs, or as they told me,” there is no open doors left.” Luckily though, I could open the doors wide or cracked, if I chose to. Being the person that I am, I thought why not let all the keys of my heart loosen up a bit so some breeze of love might come right at it to knock, or simply just walk in. Just FYI, this is not a romantic love but as they point out,”the love of all. One love.”

Things took a quick left turn since I had decided to do everything to open my heart or call it the heart chakra. I lost one of the most valuable things to me in this life, our necklace that we inherit from one generation to another. Then, while trying to show love and gratitude to other people, I bought food for the people around me to make their days, they were all on a diet. I could hear myself talk not just to talk, but give motivation and inspiration to the ones around me. I tried to inspire, people kept repeating, ” I know.”

Then all of a sudden, a light bulb appeared on my head- not heart. In order to show love, I thought, what can possible be better than fresh smells of flowers, in which thought my actions followed. I made a big purchase to pamper someone I truly adore. I ordered a big bouquet of flower and shared a quote from that person’s favorite author. Epic another failure.

The company was a fraud. Flowers and the quote have never been delivered to this very day. Worse is, she really needed them while crying her heart out alone at home. I really just wanted her to be happy, feel the love around and receive yet more than that took place. Now my money is gone out the window, the customer service representatives are making me lose my mind, that person lost on being a little happier with the surprise of flowers, and as I am typing this with my heater in my place not working for the first time in a weather like this- a New York kind. Maybe if I look at my heater long enough, it would possibly work? Maybe if I open my heart chakra wide enough, the flowers would be delivered. Better yet, why am I trying so hard to make it all right? Is this something my heart wants me to do? I don’t feel so.

I do not personally understand why opening a heart chakra would make a person this miserable. Can it be that my heart is a dark and humid place where there can only be monsters and ghost stories take place? Could it be maybe that it is so used to my worst choices of not showing love and care that as soon as it’s opened, it has gained its power to its hysterical form from a pretentious high amount of sadness? Or, another theory would be that even though I work on my heart chakra, other people are not. The evil hearts are eating my little one? Because as they say, ” Big fish eats the small ones.”

I mean how much gratitude can our hearts handle if it all comes back to it in a form of rotten, broken or not delivered flowers or a lost very valuable jewelry? Are we really giving or giving up on love?