King of My Castle

He Burned It Down to Ashes

Photo by joseph marrufo on Unsplash

One wise man once said, “ Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is greener and the girls are pretty.” As you might have guessed, as guessed it right this wise man belonged to the band we all know, Guns And Roses.
What a name to choose for your band. Guns that kill, roses that symbolized love. What is the message here besides the ones that is obvious? Can it be, maybe too much drugs? Just joking, smile. 

I once dated a boy who taught me life lessons here and there. He was into alcohol, drugs, and himself too much. I watched, I learned.  You see I am a person who learns everything because everything happens to us for a reason. Every experience is a new enlightenment, a new footprint in the deepest room of our human hearts where our souls laid down in peace.  Back to the boy, back to the lesson taught and learned, which I believe an important one.  I have been taught that cocaine takes you out of this planet where you think you are the king until you feel down, at times down on your knees praying for any kind of God beside your bed. Then, were you really the king after all? Do kings pray I wondered at times. Mostly my concern was the loss of touch with reality. He was a king, I did not understand where he came from.

“Talk about life to me.”, he would whisper in my ear as I opened my eyes to a sun shining brand new, hopeful another new day. I would tell him what anyone would tell him, you know. Life is a journey that we all go through with its ups and downs, blues and grays. He would then tell me, “Without white background the black dots would not exist.” At the time I thought he was talking about the polka dot dress that I had worn a couple of times, but in his mind he was whispering in my ear about his take on life. I see now.

Photo by Ben Mater on Unsplash

I did not see life the way he did back then. I surely agreed on the black points on white canvas or the other way round, pixels, and point screens but there existed other colors to life that I was willing to show him some time, and boy did I not try? From food to sports to music to parks. Once I bought him a ticket to a concert that was special to me, my soul, my little own world. Right before the concert we argued because the night before he went out, did not tell me and was out of control. On top of everything, he lied to me thinking I did not catch his tagged photos of being at a bar, puking in the streets and all. He told me he stayed in, lies. His head spun with the high he got from drugs when I was in my bed high on music that would give me the chills for the next day. Excitement takes over my sleepless nights when there is good music coming into my town. Indulging in a good kind of music softens my stoned heart. It gives a breath to my death soul. However, that night brought me only knowledge about the side that I did not yet know about myself. Chills would go around and round around my head to toes, my whole spine. I had no idea how everything would have turned out. That night, God spoke to me in a very not godly way but through the actions of others, music and by a given glance of new hopes. I had no idea the night before because the boy was high and I was feeling very low.

During the day I had rather been excited for the music that would touch my soul that night. I would rather be in a garden full of blossoming flowers, sunshine in my face, my feet on the grass, and my head in the clouds. I had rather smiled, sung with the birds, and eaten a caramel soufflé with ice cream on top. In reality, I had fought him, refused to see him, and lost my temper at some point screamed at him on the phone while sitting in Washington Square Park. He kept lying about things, adding more things, more lies. The sun was not out for some reason, and it started pouring. My feet got so wet, my mind was destroyed by the sound of the thunder. The garden full of flowers left its dreamy landscape to the thunder and mud. I heard a guy yelling that the thunderstorm was supposed to take place yesterday, not today. Well, my feet were supposed to step on the dry grass today, not yesterday. I was supposed to be happy to take him with me to tonight’s concert, not upset. 

His texts really did not sound like him. First he said one thing then, denied himself. He then tried to make an explanation of it only to contradict himself countless times. While this was happening I checked a message on my phone. It was my best friend asking me if I was nervous to go to the concert alone. I could not have been more nervous because I was actually going with him. My blood felt like it did not want to run and swirl in my body at that moment. Hands cold, feet wet, world destroyed I went to the subway station at West 4. He was still trying to make a point of his contradictions with himself by texting me countless text messages. Even he could not justify it all, how could I? He insisted he would be good company to me tonight if I had just believed he never had lied to me. But he did, and he would not be a good company for me that night. When his lies hit the shores of heart, they hit hard with all that crap on the surface. I do not mean to say the drugs, but maybe I actually refer to it. Who knows how my night will end due to him being the highest king of the kings when I just wanted to dance, humanly?

Waiting for my train with its delays to be over, I finally had gotten on it. Luckily, an empty seat winked at me. I winked back,  sat down, looked at my phone buzzing with text messages between him and his consciousness. I played my music, connected it to my headphones and closed my eyes for a little while. My eyes hurt from all the rain water. There I walked into a vision of my conscious calling out for me. Following step, my next to do thing  was easy; it was as easy as taking the next step yet this time a little closer, quieter.

I walked into the castles of my dreams with filthy walls of his. I walked into a dream in which I was a leaf flying from a grounded tree, he was the hunter who shot the bird on the same tree. I passed by lemon trees smelling citrusy, he sprayed them all with his febreeze to cover the smell. I opened the windows in my castle for fresh air, he locked all the doors, curtains shut. I tried to get out, he tried to hold on. He was the king of my castle. My castle burned in ashes. Ashes became little countless dust pieces, my dreams disappearing, my heart on fire. The smell of flowers turned into the smell of ashes. Every butterfly hid under my bed to become monsters. I held his hand to walk out with me out of the burning castle. He broke my fingers, tossed them in the air, in which I one day disappeared with the ashes of my own castle that was full of dreams, lemon trees and music. Then, there was nothing.

The next song woke me up from my dream. It was somehow a song about love that hurt. Slowly, I put the volume down, looked around and closed my eyes once again. This time, I wanted to take my castle back from him. I could be a warrior if he could be the king. It was mine after all no matter how he  denied it. At that moment, my phone rang so loudly that I lost my vision that was in front of my eyes a second ago.  I opened my eyes to answer my phone, and ended up ignoring it. He called me a couple of more times by the time I had gotten home.  Maybe, I thought I could stay at home, forget about the concert and cry to sleep. Although it sounded really peaceful in my head at the time, a quick thought had changed it all one hundred and eighty. After a long warm shower, a couple of instagram likes, perfume, make up I set for the adventure of my heart’s only desire, music. As it all sounded so good to one’s ears, it fell deaf on his. I called him to explain the situation starting with how much I did not care if he lied, drank, smoked; following I had to tell him that it was my turn to make my choices, which consisted of listening to good music, feel my heartbeat going with the music followed by my feet, dance. I also told him that I did not want to see him there. Overall, what was going through my mind was none of his interests, hobbies nor plans for the night anyways. Though he insisted on coming with me I refused. He said he wanted to come with me to keep me company. He said he wanted to be there to share my happiness. Before I hung up, he said he cared what made me happy even if it was going to a concert he had no interest in going otherwise. Truth is I had realized how I wanted to go without him, alone. I wanted to be where people like me were.

Photo by Alfonso Scarpa on Unsplash

First, my anxiety attack kicked. I called my best friend to help me. After talking on the phone for an hour or so, I walked into a bar where there were people of my kind. They listened to the same songs as we were about to listen to at the concert in an hour or so. I ordered some drinks to help me out. Seeing a friend there helped me the most. I prayed for his existence as I told him that his drinks were on me. He refused, paid for mine too. He then introduced me to some ladies, some guys. For a second, I found myself sitting at the bar checking my phone to see his long angry text messages. A guy walked toward me, asked me what I drank. We had started having a fun conversation before his friends joined us. After they left to say hi to one of their other friends, another guy approached and told me he loved my hair. I tried to tell him how long it took and such until the other guys walked up to me again. He came back to say that he would never come up to me if he were the other guy. After my restless questions of whys and more whys, he explained, “The first time I saw you here looking at your phone, I felt you. I liked you but I knew you would only bring trouble in my life. First, you were hot and beautiful. Then, as we were talking you were funny, smart and intelligent. These are the ingredients to trouble, honey. Have a good night.” The other guy had already left when the first one gulped the last bit of his drink with his words. He too left me at the bar. “Great!”, I thought. “People think I am a trouble here without even doing anything to anyone.” I wondered if he felt the same about me being a trouble because of my visible beauty, intelligence and sense of humor. What a stupid thing to do! 

My friend came up to me as I was getting lost in the mist of those melodies the DJ spanned out. He rather wanted me to socialize than sitting alone at the bar. It was a wake up call for me. I was not in charge of anyone’s opinions about me hence, fun times ahead. I met so many new people that night, which was incredible. My happiness did not get ruined by the text messages I received because my phone was in silence and in my back pocket. Somehow, we ended up being a group of people walking to the concert area all together. What followed us was the laughter, music and sweet memories of that night at the bar. 

Photo by Ahmad Odeh on Unsplash

I finally found my happy land to build a new castle for all of us. The girls I was hanging out with were amazing! We had great, high dimensional conversations that would take a man’s breath away, we did not care. Then, the guys joined us to carry that conversation along. We were all collectively wishing good upon all. All it took was one thought, then a step. The hardest was that next step, but once it was taken it laid all the good times ahead of us. As we arrived at the concert area, we all waited for each other at the door. Look at that! I just met these people yet we were all a union of hearts trying not to break, to be broken. Finally, we were in. We held hands, we almost cried as soon as we heard the music. We danced, we circled around the music. We shared our drinks, we laughed. Mostly, we were having one hell of a happy night … until he showed up out of nowhere. He had the nerves to show up at the time when I was happiest! Even after telling him not to go to the concert, even though he did not even know who was playing, even when he had no clue about the genre of the songs, lyrics, feelings, he HAD TO SHOW UP. 

If it were the old me, I could have given it up. Since this is the new me, I thought why not choose what you really want. Following my own heartbeat to this situation as well as my favorite music, I did not go to him but stayed with people of my kind- the kind who knew this music was not there to ruin someone’s good time. He left after deciding that I would not show up. I kept singing out and loud, my feet followed, the crowd sang louder. We all danced until the next morning, nonstop.

Long story short, instead of going home with one of the guys I met at the concert, I chose to go to his house that night. I called, he answered. I waited; he came to pick me up from the station. No words were spoken that night. As the silence covered both of us in his bed, he thought about his night at the bar after leaving me alone at the concert, I fell asleep on the thought of how unstoppable my feet can get when there is good music. Night had already left us a pocketful of sunshine for a new day in my opinion, in his opinion he was still the king of my tomorrows.