The Choice is Yours

One day you are in, one day you are out of yet another person’s life. It is a devastating feeling to be apart at first, no doubt, but if you do it as fast as possible, as carelessly and less analytically as possible you are out of it without any shots going through your heart, or is that so? Majority of the therapists would not think so due to the long and hard-earned reasons of the science of psychology overall. For instance, in theory you DO need to take your time to ACCEPT the fact that you are out of someone’s life. You DO have to be very analytical over the subject to get your head around the “fact” that it had NOTHING to do with you. Some would say, see it, don’t fight it and still accept it. Now, that must not be easy to do so, accepting. Would you accept someone if they knowingly hurt, say a kid who wanted a toy but ended up getting a good half an hour cry for not getting it? I don’t think that was a great example for the fact being kids should not be allowed to get everything they want anyways.

Try this next example to see if you would be able to accept a problem that was caused by someone else upon your life. Think about a friend who borrowed your most favorite outfit. If your friend never dares to bring it back to you, or even say a thank you for letting him or her borrow your personal favorite article of clothing, would you simply look at this situation to SEE it, ANALYZE it only to ACCEPT it? Would you say, “I don’t mind if my friend does not care about my own values. I don’t blame this on my friend. I accept the situation. Great! Let me live my life peacefully now.”? NO! If you never point out to your friend what he/ she did wrong to you, how can you expect the next time to get any better? Just like that, seeing, believing, and accepting traumas do not solve the damage that has being done on you.

One person in, one is out. People let us in because they want to. It is as simple as your own name to you. Following the best times come the bad timings, ugly words, wrong choices, awkwardly quiet conversations. One day you are having the best conversation of a lifetime, one day the same person chooses his or her words carefully. So carefully in fact, you want to vomit out of boredom yet this is the same person who also has given you the best times, too.

Humble solutions can solve situations like these at times. For example, instead of accepting we have yet another choice laid right in front of our eyes, solve it. How? By talking about what bothers you, mentioning about the points that make you uncomfortable, discussing what went wrong where and when exactly. This ultimate solving mentality causes a person not only to realize the situation, but to solve it too. Imagine the next scenario. Someone used a trigger word with you. Talk about it, realize why it bothered you. Instead of creating problems, always remember your other option is to solve an existing problem and destroy it. The choice is yours, truly.

Small Talks Got Smaller- Luckily there is one more left

Photo by Giuseppe Argenziano on Unsplash

Small talk is a way of greeting people with a simple “Hi!”, “Hello!” and to ask some questions to show your interest in the other person or people. There happens to be specific topics such as the weather, interests in the same brands of cars the person is driving, or an article of clothing the other person is wearing and you like, food/ restaurants, traffic etc.

There are also topics that are a No-No topics while having a small talk, such as age, ethnicity/ race, salary, religion, gender, even family at times. Family is not a good small talk topic due to the fact that not everybody has one great family! It is a very sensitive topic for a lot of people. I remember asking someone why they were not excited about father’s day as a joke, only to find out his father disowned him. It felt like a great mistake to start a conversation, which in fact was one.

These are great points to have a small talk with someone, or was. After corona who knew it was all going to change and be gone? Funny how we all took all the topics to make small talks for granted. It is time we find ourselves new topics to have that small talk, but how?

What is there to talk about the weather? It comes and it goes. The rain leaves its dark clouds to the bright sunshine until comes the wind with the cold weather. Oh these summer nights feeling like a day in the winter! If the weather is not there to talk about, then what is?

Bills, bills, bills… All you want to talk about is the bills, but not really. Who wants to talk about bills? C’mon! You have to pay your bills, but that does not make it a hot topic in a small convo, no. So, if not the weather, not the bills you gotta pay, what else is there to talk about? Not everybody has a kid, nor cars, nor any interest in finding a new home to move in. What is there to mention in a casual conversation after corona left us under the truck?

Food, drinks, cocktails, fashion, books, healthy living and fitness used to be the topics for some people for sure… that is before this corona hit us all. No one seems to care about anyone’s expensive shoes that are not affordable in today’s economy. Who even creates sneakers that are more expensive than the unemployment money that the government is about to stop paying? Please don’t. What is there to talk about, then?

Traffic is not even that bad anymore to get pissed! If you can’t get mad at the people in traffic to complain about it for hours to someone who happened to take the subway, what is going to make you mad so that you can talk about it, complain about it, have a conversation about it? Definitely, not the traffic anymore. What is it then that you can tell someone? Can it be the conspiracy theories you have been searching about? Hell no! No one believes in conspiracy theories. People might think you are gone crazy! In that case… what is there to have a small talk about?

How about the latest TV shows you have recently caught up with? It sounds innocently nice but in reality, not so much because there is a big risk that comes with it. What if the other person has no idea what you are talking about, then what? You have guessed it right! Love, relationships, break ups, dating stories, dating apps, disasters as well as the blessings of dating. You would think corona would stop everyone from talking about dating, you were wrong. Love is the only thing that people can’t and won’t ever stop talking about no matter what virus takes over one’s body. The mind does not work together with the heart. The heart wants what it wants. The mind stays intact. Since love comes in a package full of heart breaks, disastrous stories to tell, and a life long damages to repair, it consists of hatred as well.

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

Not everyone can control the weather, or the economy, or the traffic but everyone can write their own love story to tell someone, someday. Let your heart wonder in the hills of those lovely fields of dating, destruction, pleasure, hate and love, where it runs up and down while your mind checks your pulse to survive the next disasters. Here is a topic to talk about at all times, for all your small talks with people you know, love. Love. Love of music, artists, life, flowers, programs, learning, living, life, anything and anyone at no cost.

8 VERY SATISFYING Relationship Advice

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I could make a list of traps for you not fall for but if I do, you never learn. I could also tell you what to-do and what not-to-do, again you would not learn. You would think you did and stop living, breathing maybe even loving. But listen, I am only I am because I have been who, with whom and where I have been to. My only truthful advice to you would be that. You have to live it.

Rest is time, money, memories, break-ups, salty tears, as well as hope, modernity of love, challenge to keep up with different type of people that are not up for the challenge like yourself, and maybe days to reminisce about. Me-mo…i..r. Let this be my memoir determined to share my hardcore, tough learned lessons.

Lesson 1- Don’t be scared to go for it.

Every relationship is there to teach you something. If you are about to get into a relationship that you are not sure about, go for it. If you never do, you will only regret you did not or think about the possibilities of it later on. Go for it. You can only know when you go for it. However, this is also one of the worst advice as well. To you it is the worst, to me it saves you time, both from your future regrets and blame games  for not trying it now and the time that you would otherwise have been thinking about going for it or not.

Lesson 2- Make yourself visible

We all get it. You are busy, he is, she is busy, too. In this modern world, we are all bunch of busy people walking around to go places. Make that place, your destination. Make your destination your relationship. Take a walk, train, an Uber there. If YOU do not do it, one day someone else will. Make yourself visible to them, not hidden & online.

Lesson 3- Keep yourself from smelly environments.

Alcohol smells like alcohol. Trashcans smell like trash. A shaved and showered body smells like an invitation. Alcohol may or may not invite the wrong crowd to you but newly showered, beautifully moisturized body sure will get you who you want. Watch your smell, smell your crowd.

Lesson 4- Bikini Top Knitted Windproof ski pants

Make up your mind. For good or bad, there has to be some options you choose from. “Opportunity knocks only once”, they say but do not be fool enough to think this is the time to think about your one and only opportunity. Stop overthinking about it. What if it were not? What if it were? Find your ground, stand tall, dance under the rain and don’t worry about showering when you get inside. Enjoy the rain. Your tongue can catch one or two raindrops full of opportunities for you. Take the lead and make up your mind.

Lesson 5- If you are contemplating your own relationship, your friends will do, too.

Stop telling them everything. Listen to yourself. Listen to your heart. Then listen to your partner’s. Who knows maybe if you could keep your mouth shut for some time, your hearts could talk. Understand not everyone likes to talk and communicate like you. Stop complaining about your relationship to your friends all the time. Do it once in awhile. If you do it all the time what is the point of being in this relationship with your significant other anyways? You can’t even talk to your partner about anything. Don’t be a coward. Talk to your partner for better results. Keep friends out of this. Keep your friends close, but your partner closer.

 

Lesson 6- Amplify for a hopeful relationship

Sometimes we get hopeless if one little thing goes wrong when in a relationship. I was talking to my friend the other day and he told me that he never texted his date back again because he saw dirt in her one nail. :S I know! But hey he had no hopes from the beginning so he chose to go silent on that girl. HOWEVER, if you had hope in the beginning and you are still hoping that it HAS THE POTENTIAL to get better, then stop finding excuses to shut your partner up. Listen. Put their volume a little more higher than before. Hear it, hope to find a solution for it. Amplify the happiness along with the hopeful future that he or she might be able to give you someday. 

Lesson 7- Seven is HEAVEN! 

You either do ALL that there is to do to carry this relationship from one level to another or don’t, there is a HIGHER power above us all who/what knows everything better than you. Therefore, if after all the other six steps your relationship still sucks, take a deep breath and well, hope for the better. That is not to say your next one will be better. In fact, I can guarantee you that after dating someone for a long LONG time, the next one who comes is never enough. Yes, marvelous in the beginning yet will never beat your ex! (Unless you ex used to beat you or harm you in anyway. Because if you have to leave a relationship because of domestic violation and such, run as fast as you can. Do NOT look back.) But.. If that was not the case… then remember, the new person comes with his/ her own baggage. 

Lesson 8- Relationships ATE me alive ! 

Good news: You are ALIVE! Bad news: You worry too much. Whether you are in a relationship or not, your focus determines your future. Focus on yourself. As one of my really awesome friend told me yesterday, ” You will be the one to see yourself in the mirror everyday. We need to take care of ourselves first. “

  • Written by a relationship expert: A Leafy