The Choice is Yours

One day you are in, one day you are out of yet another person’s life. It is a devastating feeling to be apart at first, no doubt, but if you do it as fast as possible, as carelessly and less analytically as possible you are out of it without any shots going through your heart, or is that so? Majority of the therapists would not think so due to the long and hard-earned reasons of the science of psychology overall. For instance, in theory you DO need to take your time to ACCEPT the fact that you are out of someone’s life. You DO have to be very analytical over the subject to get your head around the “fact” that it had NOTHING to do with you. Some would say, see it, don’t fight it and still accept it. Now, that must not be easy to do so, accepting. Would you accept someone if they knowingly hurt, say a kid who wanted a toy but ended up getting a good half an hour cry for not getting it? I don’t think that was a great example for the fact being kids should not be allowed to get everything they want anyways.

Try this next example to see if you would be able to accept a problem that was caused by someone else upon your life. Think about a friend who borrowed your most favorite outfit. If your friend never dares to bring it back to you, or even say a thank you for letting him or her borrow your personal favorite article of clothing, would you simply look at this situation to SEE it, ANALYZE it only to ACCEPT it? Would you say, “I don’t mind if my friend does not care about my own values. I don’t blame this on my friend. I accept the situation. Great! Let me live my life peacefully now.”? NO! If you never point out to your friend what he/ she did wrong to you, how can you expect the next time to get any better? Just like that, seeing, believing, and accepting traumas do not solve the damage that has being done on you.

One person in, one is out. People let us in because they want to. It is as simple as your own name to you. Following the best times come the bad timings, ugly words, wrong choices, awkwardly quiet conversations. One day you are having the best conversation of a lifetime, one day the same person chooses his or her words carefully. So carefully in fact, you want to vomit out of boredom yet this is the same person who also has given you the best times, too.

Humble solutions can solve situations like these at times. For example, instead of accepting we have yet another choice laid right in front of our eyes, solve it. How? By talking about what bothers you, mentioning about the points that make you uncomfortable, discussing what went wrong where and when exactly. This ultimate solving mentality causes a person not only to realize the situation, but to solve it too. Imagine the next scenario. Someone used a trigger word with you. Talk about it, realize why it bothered you. Instead of creating problems, always remember your other option is to solve an existing problem and destroy it. The choice is yours, truly.

Breakup Letter to You and My Self- Indulgences

Who could have known?

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Maybe we could have been happier. Nevertheless, that could have been impermanent. All the hope- call it “spark” is gone out there somewhere in the mist of an ocean that is wide, endless and dark. It is not swimming against the current as it usually happens in the romance movies and books, neither is it fighting for its own free existence anymore. It has vanished somewhere at the bottom of nowhere in the grand vast dark and blue ocean. Don’t think it might still be found one random day by some scuba divers as it was the case with Titanic, because again this is no movie. 

Fire burned it- our passion for each other- into little unseen ashes, then flew it towards the air; from where it had gone to the ocean, perhaps. Therefore, you can find the ashes of little pieces where there is no restoration possible, ever. This is not Titanic after all. All it can and it will be is memories in our heads for awhile, then possibly soon enough will it be left to the wolves to be eaten out there in the wild. We will move on. Memories will be left behind. Ashes will be stirred up, waves in the oceans will be moved; nothing floats everything drowns.

This is how it is done. There is no going back. As the saying goes, where there is will there is way. No one mentioned the outcomes when there is no will, yet it is not that easy to figure out. If there is no will power, there is no power in whatever it is. For us it was “us”. For you, it is “you”. For me it is nothing but questions these days. Goodbyes can be the echoes of ashes for now, in which you might see contact here and there. Then, the contact will disappear as well. Life is the totality of all that there is right? All that “there was” moments take place in the past tense. We are past tense. We were tense. Now we are tense in the past. 

Great to be alive though.

Patterns only make us aware of more patterns. Once one is broken it is a hope that we get to break the others without realizing that we are burning the bridges to build new ones, breaking patterns to create new ones. Therefore, here I write on a notepad all that there is and there was about us so then I can build my own bridges soon enough, then maybe to burn them to build new ones with someone else. At the exact moment though, I can assure that my own bridges will take awhile to be built up again. Burning them, not considering their importance to self and believing in the possibility of impossible love stories, I am torn. Time can only help but it is not the medicine I need. It is me, the greater will power in me and the higher power that is bigger than me. In that power I trust, becoming a new pattern in my own shell is the greatest gift that I could ever give to self, my self. The only self I really have. Little love, little peace of mind and just the right amount of hope will just do me fine. 

Self- courage is the teacher I love the most among the others. It gets me in trouble when it whispers me to go for a new person in a relationship, but afterwards it does not waste no time to heal me to make me better than any healers I could pay, stronger and self- effective. Now that it is time to move on to me, I can only get excited. All I need is new playlists, new songs, new photo albums and new breakfasts. By the time I am me again, I shall see the light at the end of the tunnel called, “relationship”.

How could I have known one day my patterns would have given me a chance to explore more than there was? Thank you love. Thank you the Highest of all the High Powers.

Lastly, thankful for “my sleeping” patterns: NOW IT IS THE TIME THAT I let go. I wake up. I am ready to receive. 

Good bye!

Intoxicated World against The Heart Chakra

Last week, I came across a life changing message bombarded from everywhere, the heart chakra. From people telling me to listen to my heart to being given a tarot card from the most random person about the heart chakra to being told that gratitude’s wonderful return to the heart, and of course the question that is, ” What are you going to do on Valentine’s Day?”. You know forgive and love everyone type of talks were everywhere I unintentionally had been to.

To take away from it all I went to see a movie alone on Feb 8th, Friday. The plan was that it was going to be a scary movie where I would not have to hear the same conversation topic that was popular to bring up when with me, heart and chakras. As I was watching the movie, a friend showed up with some extra buttered popcorn so that I knew that I was loved. Oh, and the movie was okay yet to your surprise, it was about the love of this psychopath’s love for women’s hands. Yes, guess which movie. Love is in the air.-

They say, “Home is where your heart is.” Well… As a first glimpse of it all, I took the hardest way out to challenge myself. First step was to watch videos of course, then I moved on to talking to people who are more knowledgeable than me in this area- chakras, heart, loving, receiving, giving, spreading the love etc. I believe my heart is different than theirs, or as they told me,” there is no open doors left.” Luckily though, I could open the doors wide or cracked, if I chose to. Being the person that I am, I thought why not let all the keys of my heart loosen up a bit so some breeze of love might come right at it to knock, or simply just walk in. Just FYI, this is not a romantic love but as they point out,”the love of all. One love.”

Things took a quick left turn since I had decided to do everything to open my heart or call it the heart chakra. I lost one of the most valuable things to me in this life, our necklace that we inherit from one generation to another. Then, while trying to show love and gratitude to other people, I bought food for the people around me to make their days, they were all on a diet. I could hear myself talk not just to talk, but give motivation and inspiration to the ones around me. I tried to inspire, people kept repeating, ” I know.”

Then all of a sudden, a light bulb appeared on my head- not heart. In order to show love, I thought, what can possible be better than fresh smells of flowers, in which thought my actions followed. I made a big purchase to pamper someone I truly adore. I ordered a big bouquet of flower and shared a quote from that person’s favorite author. Epic another failure.

The company was a fraud. Flowers and the quote have never been delivered to this very day. Worse is, she really needed them while crying her heart out alone at home. I really just wanted her to be happy, feel the love around and receive yet more than that took place. Now my money is gone out the window, the customer service representatives are making me lose my mind, that person lost on being a little happier with the surprise of flowers, and as I am typing this with my heater in my place not working for the first time in a weather like this- a New York kind. Maybe if I look at my heater long enough, it would possibly work? Maybe if I open my heart chakra wide enough, the flowers would be delivered. Better yet, why am I trying so hard to make it all right? Is this something my heart wants me to do? I don’t feel so.

I do not personally understand why opening a heart chakra would make a person this miserable. Can it be that my heart is a dark and humid place where there can only be monsters and ghost stories take place? Could it be maybe that it is so used to my worst choices of not showing love and care that as soon as it’s opened, it has gained its power to its hysterical form from a pretentious high amount of sadness? Or, another theory would be that even though I work on my heart chakra, other people are not. The evil hearts are eating my little one? Because as they say, ” Big fish eats the small ones.”

I mean how much gratitude can our hearts handle if it all comes back to it in a form of rotten, broken or not delivered flowers or a lost very valuable jewelry? Are we really giving or giving up on love?