HOW DID HE LOVE?

He didn’t.

I open my eyes. It’s a morning rush that surrounds me until I understand that it is one fine rainy Wednesday. I do not work on Wednesdays. I try to go back to sleep but the sound of the rain feels like it is calling my name with every drop that falls on my air conditioner that stands in front of my window. What am I to do even if I do finally open my eyes to follow the rain drops? I try again to fall back to sleep harder this time.  

I wonder how long it will take for me to actually change into something less comfortable than my pijamas to make coffee. I can’t stay with my pajamas on while not sleeping. Little things like that are left to me to fight with every day since we broke up. It has been almost 3 years now since we broke up. No one said we were not dating anymore, we just stopped out of the blue. My theories, my latest text messages dictate I was not the one to do so, but him. He left me silently unlike the other guys I had dated before him. What is more, I tried to raise my voice in a way to say, “Hey, why don’t we talk anymore? We are still dating, right?”, yet I would have asked this for it all to get lost in the great mastery words of his pitchblack void space that is full of his silent words. No response ever received again.

I choose to wear a pair of leggings with a black shirt that has a picture of a vinyl picture on it. As I stand in front of the mirror, the picture of a vinyl takes me back to the time when we were playing a song in his car, in which event  we both wished we had been home to dance more freely rather than his car. Nevertheless , when we finally had arrived home after a long ride we did no dancing, but argued about the stupidest things. I packed my things, he did not beg me to stay. Vividly, I recall it had all started because he told me I was no woman like his mom, hence useless. His mom cooked, showed affection, loved helping people, enjoyed his company, and believed in the power of a family. He said I was no woman like his mother, hence cold. I made my argument points such as growing up in a different generation than his mom, his mom not working, her having all the time to herself and him, background to cook such amazing dishes and mostly my argument points were based on how his mom and I shared different family backgrounds. He brought up his points such as his mom this, then his mom that. I wanted to leave. We never danced that day but stayed in deep silence. I stayed. It was a rainy day just like today. 

I make coffee in the midst of all hope that gives chills to my body. It had to be this way. He probably had another girl anyways, just like my ex before him. Altogether, we were not meant to be. If we did, we would have known. Since we had broken up, I quit  smoking. He would be so proud of me if he could see me enjoying my morning coffee without any cigarettes. He did not smoke. He fought me every single time I smoked a cigarette. Once during one of our vacations, he made me cry by cursing at me and kicking me out of his car in the middle of nowhere I did not know at all because I smoked. The reason was the ash from my cigarette magically going into his eye when he was the one to tell me that I should smoke and enjoy the trip that we were taking in his convertible . He ended up  kicking me out. I kicked the cigarette out of my hand. He threw  words at me  endlessly. This was not about my cigarette but his anger for everything back at home. He kicked me out of his car. I relentlessly stayed. It was a rainy day in Miami just like today.

Anyways I need some music to take my focus out of him. I play my playlist. I make sure it is the one that I can sing along with. There are all sorts of songs there for each mood but instead of choosing the song for my mood, I let a song decide what my mood should be. Luckily, the song had already caught up with my mood without my intentions. “Same Damn Life” right after “How Did You Love?” from Shinedown. Usually never does my shuffle playlist play one song after another from the same artist, but what happened today is a question that I choose not to raise. I go ahead to sing my heart out, carelessly. 

“No one gets out alive, every day is do or die.
The one thing you leave behind is
How did you love, how did you love?” …

Photo by Jernej Graj on Unsplash

Well, relationships come and go. New becomes old in no time. Two becomes three, three goes back to square one. It is important to visit the past memories not to slap ourselves in the face because it was our fault , but to pat ourselves in the back to realize it was the best decision we made in order to learn one fine heck of a lesson. We should appreciate it was in the past because we no longer need to deal with that specific person or situation anymore. I decide not to ponder on this anymore, rather play some Marley and see what life has in store for me today. Who knew the sun would come out again, rain would stop suddenly and the rainbow would show up on a fine rainy day like today?

May your memories fade away like the rainy days and leave their way to the sun that warms your hearts.

Let me know what you think about this post.

Some Cure for Anger Management

Beats headphones are cool.

I cannot believe people do not listen to angry, cruel, unkind, repulsive, objectionable songs anymore. It is not to say that I follow the pop culture metal bands, no. (I do not listen to metal, not even rock music either these days, but I always end up going back to it somehow.) It is to say that love songs do not take your anger away. Yes, love songs of today are all about hatred, who called/who did not, who broke whose heart/ who liked whose post or not/ who is following who and why/ who cheated/ who found a new boyfriend/ who forgot whom. In addition to these songs, we listen to the sweet melodies of Eros. Remember though, as much as the love Eros creates, he causes chaos and destruction as well. You being faking your current status on your face and emotions are no help.

We are human beings, aren’t we? We get angry, we get reckless. I get angry, I get reckless. Sometimes my anger is like a tornado that nothing around it calms it down, but the tornado- the anger- has the power to destroy. Realizing you are angry and still choose nothing to do about it is one thing, destroying what or who is around you is another. You might regret hurting people around you later on, since people love to put angry people down. Or, you end up hating them if not the opposite.

I intensely wonder what people do to handle their anger these days if not listening to Rock music? I mean destroying yourself and others around you with the anger you have been building on is a thing in this century, yet I wish we could all go back to those Rock’n Roll concerts, screamo, hateful looking, black, no light only dark concert arenas that only afterward we realize how much of help it actually was. Can someone please make this an event by the way? I understand there are many songs about love in this generation, yet look at the increasing numbers of people who is being treated with anger management these days. Good for their therapists, bad for health and their budget, don’t you think so? Do you see my point?

I thought buying myself a pet would help with my anger problem yet he is such a cute thing that only makes me softer than I am. I have realized that I needed to unplug myself from the phony calm looking situations / people and focus on the real side of things. What the fuck is actually happening behind the scenes, under that poker face? Where do I look at to read between the lines? In reality, you cannot see it all, hear it all, understand it all when you are  so frustrated or when you are too calm to please people around you. What you we need is simple, to be mad at things, destroy things, get angry, get sad, get real with yourself without thinking who would think what.

We need to rise above the anger. Calmness is good for the ones who have some time in their pasts come across anger. Those people are successful. Those people deserve to be calm. Those people had obstacles to overcome, too, just like you. Instead of running away from it to feel calm, those people took their anger on different outlets; some destroyed their life, some their family, career, home, health, habits, comfort zones, books, education, mental health and for the rest some even destroyed their past completely. How are they calm and successful now? Because they were ANGRY! Their outlets did not make them calmer, opposite to that belief they got ANGRIER, MADDER, more DETERMINED, which eventually put them in situations where the need to change it all has arrived, then now.. they have all the calmness in their lives. Do not think for a split second they look back to see how brilliant their lives were, but they are successful due to their lives being in their own emotional slums. They are now calm, successful and classical music listeners perhaps thanks to their displeasures and rage in their pasts. Read some biographies, watch some documentaries about famous people if you do not believe me.

Focus. No one ever needs to listen to Metallica. I remember crying while listening to Metallica once. What an irony. People who have never listened to them would not understand me at this point but hear me out. I am not trying to say you should stop listening to your hateful breakup songs, or sweet love songs, classical, or maybe edm style. I am the first person to buy my tickets to most of those electronic/ trance music concerts and festivals. What I am trying to say is that, if you are like me whose only outlet is music when things go up and down in your life, please unlike the other people do NOT destroy the people around you nor yourself, but take your anger by listening to some angry, yet powerful and soulful songs. Metallica works for me. If you have some other ones, listen to them- there is whole bunch from the 80s and 90s-, punch the walls, make evil plans to destroy it all because only then your true potential comes out. Say hi to your “Dark side of the moon”.(Pink Floyd). There will always be those dawns before the sun rises again. Rainbows do not show up when there is no rain. Let it rain first, wash yourself under it, dance to it, punch the rain drops, kick them all, fall on the ground, only to get up again and then go home or a hilltop somewhere to drink your hot jasmine tea and watch that beautiful, calm, and peaceful rainbow.

Let yourself be.

Note: All this I have just shared here is all what I think. I have read those books that teach you to keep your calm to get prosperous and full of abundance. All these years… I have just realized. Since I was only changing myself and no one else by reading those books, and no one else was trying to change their behavior because they never read books; those books have helped a lot to people around me to take advantage of my calm, and suck on that positive energy I had. I, on the other hand suffered greatly from my merciless energy vampires.