Breakup Letter to You and My Self- Indulgences

Who could have known?

Follow #subwayleaf on INSTAGRAM

Maybe we could have been happier. Nevertheless, that could have been impermanent. All the hope- call it “spark” is gone out there somewhere in the mist of an ocean that is wide, endless and dark. It is not swimming against the current as it usually happens in the romance movies and books, neither is it fighting for its own free existence anymore. It has vanished somewhere at the bottom of nowhere in the grand vast dark and blue ocean. Don’t think it might still be found one random day by some scuba divers as it was the case with Titanic, because again this is no movie. 

Fire burned it- our passion for each other- into little unseen ashes, then flew it towards the air; from where it had gone to the ocean, perhaps. Therefore, you can find the ashes of little pieces where there is no restoration possible, ever. This is not Titanic after all. All it can and it will be is memories in our heads for awhile, then possibly soon enough will it be left to the wolves to be eaten out there in the wild. We will move on. Memories will be left behind. Ashes will be stirred up, waves in the oceans will be moved; nothing floats everything drowns.

This is how it is done. There is no going back. As the saying goes, where there is will there is way. No one mentioned the outcomes when there is no will, yet it is not that easy to figure out. If there is no will power, there is no power in whatever it is. For us it was “us”. For you, it is “you”. For me it is nothing but questions these days. Goodbyes can be the echoes of ashes for now, in which you might see contact here and there. Then, the contact will disappear as well. Life is the totality of all that there is right? All that “there was” moments take place in the past tense. We are past tense. We were tense. Now we are tense in the past. 

Great to be alive though.

Patterns only make us aware of more patterns. Once one is broken it is a hope that we get to break the others without realizing that we are burning the bridges to build new ones, breaking patterns to create new ones. Therefore, here I write on a notepad all that there is and there was about us so then I can build my own bridges soon enough, then maybe to burn them to build new ones with someone else. At the exact moment though, I can assure that my own bridges will take awhile to be built up again. Burning them, not considering their importance to self and believing in the possibility of impossible love stories, I am torn. Time can only help but it is not the medicine I need. It is me, the greater will power in me and the higher power that is bigger than me. In that power I trust, becoming a new pattern in my own shell is the greatest gift that I could ever give to self, my self. The only self I really have. Little love, little peace of mind and just the right amount of hope will just do me fine. 

Self- courage is the teacher I love the most among the others. It gets me in trouble when it whispers me to go for a new person in a relationship, but afterwards it does not waste no time to heal me to make me better than any healers I could pay, stronger and self- effective. Now that it is time to move on to me, I can only get excited. All I need is new playlists, new songs, new photo albums and new breakfasts. By the time I am me again, I shall see the light at the end of the tunnel called, “relationship”.

How could I have known one day my patterns would have given me a chance to explore more than there was? Thank you love. Thank you the Highest of all the High Powers.

Lastly, thankful for “my sleeping” patterns: NOW IT IS THE TIME THAT I let go. I wake up. I am ready to receive. 

Good bye!

Snowboard to Surf? No. Those are just tools to get to your location, freedom.


Have you ever tried surfing? I have not. Sometimes, I think about how it must feel like. Water, salt, sand all over you but you are only focused on being in balance physically on your surfboard. On the other hand, it must taste, feel, smell like freedom to stand on that same surfboard to oversee the sea, sand and the passing people when surfing. Do you ever want to try it? I’d like to.

Is it not a similar feeling to be alive in times like these. There are people who believe to share their lights with others, some steal the lights, some take it and run away, some cannot see it, and some share too much light they end up torn. Balance, I guess is the key, just like surfing. You can only see what is around you once you are on your surfboard to go against the waves, when you are balanced finally.

The realization here however, is not to surf but to “surf”. Surely, it is not something that will just happen to me or you instantly while sleeping in the sound of these strong winds of the East Coast. In fact, it will sure not happen to me when I sleep in my warm bed when the weather in New York drops to 9 degrees. Surfers have red face because of the sun, in New York our faces get red because we almost freeze. It is hard to learn surfing here while almost everyone is feeling “under the weather”. Where did I put my flip flops? I meant my snow boots.

So how can a person take up surfing when they in reality cannot? Easy to answer, hard to digest. They cannot. On the contrary, it does not have to be that way. Take the sand, the sea, the surfboard out of the picture and replace them with snow, snowboard, and the moonlight. There you have a new, awesome sport where you can feel free again. What I mean, metaphorically at least trying to say here is that if, in New York we do not have the privilege to surf, we have alternatives. We can, no matter how still reach to the same stars under the same moon light to smell the liberty of the soul, freedom. As long as we know how to flow we sure will go skiing in a place called, upstate? ~Location is not that important here, so do not pay too much attention to it.~

Life gives you this, give life that. Life gets tough we know. We are always facing decisions. Decisions can be made on paper. Decisions can be made in one’s head. Decisions take place here, then there. Decisions. Decisions. More decisions. It sure gets heavy on us. Decisions everywhere we look. Your phone, his laptop, her outfit, his decisions, their attitude, salary, new opportunities, possibilities, responsibilities. Goddamn these decisions. Where did the light go? This onion is a strong one here. Cut the onion and now, touch your eyes. It was a decision of mine that I wanted to share. Onions and paprika can be killers. Try jalapeno, maybe?

All we have to do is to make small or big, sometimes no decisions. How to make decisions? First, know that you are about to make a decision to surf or snowboard. Secondly, you will face the challenges of the weather, crowd, waves, maybe at times snow angels, but decide from the beginning that you are doing all that to get the taste of freedom. You can’t? Then, try biking. Decide what you want at the end, not how your process will be. After all, all surfers take showers to get rid off the sand, snowboards spread snow on other people and bikers get stuck in traffic. It is all good. Go with the flow to feel the breeze of that free, salty, sweet self of you.

Snowboarding? I have never tried it before. Just joking.