HOW DID HE LOVE?

He didn’t.

I open my eyes. It’s a morning rush that surrounds me until I understand that it is one fine rainy Wednesday. I do not work on Wednesdays. I try to go back to sleep but the sound of the rain feels like it is calling my name with every drop that falls on my air conditioner that stands in front of my window. What am I to do even if I do finally open my eyes to follow the rain drops? I try again to fall back to sleep harder this time.  

I wonder how long it will take for me to actually change into something less comfortable than my pijamas to make coffee. I can’t stay with my pajamas on while not sleeping. Little things like that are left to me to fight with every day since we broke up. It has been almost 3 years now since we broke up. No one said we were not dating anymore, we just stopped out of the blue. My theories, my latest text messages dictate I was not the one to do so, but him. He left me silently unlike the other guys I had dated before him. What is more, I tried to raise my voice in a way to say, “Hey, why don’t we talk anymore? We are still dating, right?”, yet I would have asked this for it all to get lost in the great mastery words of his pitchblack void space that is full of his silent words. No response ever received again.

I choose to wear a pair of leggings with a black shirt that has a picture of a vinyl picture on it. As I stand in front of the mirror, the picture of a vinyl takes me back to the time when we were playing a song in his car, in which event  we both wished we had been home to dance more freely rather than his car. Nevertheless , when we finally had arrived home after a long ride we did no dancing, but argued about the stupidest things. I packed my things, he did not beg me to stay. Vividly, I recall it had all started because he told me I was no woman like his mom, hence useless. His mom cooked, showed affection, loved helping people, enjoyed his company, and believed in the power of a family. He said I was no woman like his mother, hence cold. I made my argument points such as growing up in a different generation than his mom, his mom not working, her having all the time to herself and him, background to cook such amazing dishes and mostly my argument points were based on how his mom and I shared different family backgrounds. He brought up his points such as his mom this, then his mom that. I wanted to leave. We never danced that day but stayed in deep silence. I stayed. It was a rainy day just like today. 

I make coffee in the midst of all hope that gives chills to my body. It had to be this way. He probably had another girl anyways, just like my ex before him. Altogether, we were not meant to be. If we did, we would have known. Since we had broken up, I quit  smoking. He would be so proud of me if he could see me enjoying my morning coffee without any cigarettes. He did not smoke. He fought me every single time I smoked a cigarette. Once during one of our vacations, he made me cry by cursing at me and kicking me out of his car in the middle of nowhere I did not know at all because I smoked. The reason was the ash from my cigarette magically going into his eye when he was the one to tell me that I should smoke and enjoy the trip that we were taking in his convertible . He ended up  kicking me out. I kicked the cigarette out of my hand. He threw  words at me  endlessly. This was not about my cigarette but his anger for everything back at home. He kicked me out of his car. I relentlessly stayed. It was a rainy day in Miami just like today.

Anyways I need some music to take my focus out of him. I play my playlist. I make sure it is the one that I can sing along with. There are all sorts of songs there for each mood but instead of choosing the song for my mood, I let a song decide what my mood should be. Luckily, the song had already caught up with my mood without my intentions. “Same Damn Life” right after “How Did You Love?” from Shinedown. Usually never does my shuffle playlist play one song after another from the same artist, but what happened today is a question that I choose not to raise. I go ahead to sing my heart out, carelessly. 

“No one gets out alive, every day is do or die.
The one thing you leave behind is
How did you love, how did you love?” …

Photo by Jernej Graj on Unsplash

Well, relationships come and go. New becomes old in no time. Two becomes three, three goes back to square one. It is important to visit the past memories not to slap ourselves in the face because it was our fault , but to pat ourselves in the back to realize it was the best decision we made in order to learn one fine heck of a lesson. We should appreciate it was in the past because we no longer need to deal with that specific person or situation anymore. I decide not to ponder on this anymore, rather play some Marley and see what life has in store for me today. Who knew the sun would come out again, rain would stop suddenly and the rainbow would show up on a fine rainy day like today?

May your memories fade away like the rainy days and leave their way to the sun that warms your hearts.

Let me know what you think about this post.

8 VERY SATISFYING Relationship Advice

img_6155
Follow: #subwayleaf on Instagram

I could make a list of traps for you not fall for but if I do, you never learn. I could also tell you what to-do and what not-to-do, again you would not learn. You would think you did and stop living, breathing maybe even loving. But listen, I am only I am because I have been who, with whom and where I have been to. My only truthful advice to you would be that. You have to live it.

Rest is time, money, memories, break-ups, salty tears, as well as hope, modernity of love, challenge to keep up with different type of people that are not up for the challenge like yourself, and maybe days to reminisce about. Me-mo…i..r. Let this be my memoir determined to share my hardcore, tough learned lessons.

Lesson 1- Don’t be scared to go for it.

Every relationship is there to teach you something. If you are about to get into a relationship that you are not sure about, go for it. If you never do, you will only regret you did not or think about the possibilities of it later on. Go for it. You can only know when you go for it. However, this is also one of the worst advice as well. To you it is the worst, to me it saves you time, both from your future regrets and blame games  for not trying it now and the time that you would otherwise have been thinking about going for it or not.

Lesson 2- Make yourself visible

We all get it. You are busy, he is, she is busy, too. In this modern world, we are all bunch of busy people walking around to go places. Make that place, your destination. Make your destination your relationship. Take a walk, train, an Uber there. If YOU do not do it, one day someone else will. Make yourself visible to them, not hidden & online.

Lesson 3- Keep yourself from smelly environments.

Alcohol smells like alcohol. Trashcans smell like trash. A shaved and showered body smells like an invitation. Alcohol may or may not invite the wrong crowd to you but newly showered, beautifully moisturized body sure will get you who you want. Watch your smell, smell your crowd.

Lesson 4- Bikini Top Knitted Windproof ski pants

Make up your mind. For good or bad, there has to be some options you choose from. “Opportunity knocks only once”, they say but do not be fool enough to think this is the time to think about your one and only opportunity. Stop overthinking about it. What if it were not? What if it were? Find your ground, stand tall, dance under the rain and don’t worry about showering when you get inside. Enjoy the rain. Your tongue can catch one or two raindrops full of opportunities for you. Take the lead and make up your mind.

Lesson 5- If you are contemplating your own relationship, your friends will do, too.

Stop telling them everything. Listen to yourself. Listen to your heart. Then listen to your partner’s. Who knows maybe if you could keep your mouth shut for some time, your hearts could talk. Understand not everyone likes to talk and communicate like you. Stop complaining about your relationship to your friends all the time. Do it once in awhile. If you do it all the time what is the point of being in this relationship with your significant other anyways? You can’t even talk to your partner about anything. Don’t be a coward. Talk to your partner for better results. Keep friends out of this. Keep your friends close, but your partner closer.

 

Lesson 6- Amplify for a hopeful relationship

Sometimes we get hopeless if one little thing goes wrong when in a relationship. I was talking to my friend the other day and he told me that he never texted his date back again because he saw dirt in her one nail. :S I know! But hey he had no hopes from the beginning so he chose to go silent on that girl. HOWEVER, if you had hope in the beginning and you are still hoping that it HAS THE POTENTIAL to get better, then stop finding excuses to shut your partner up. Listen. Put their volume a little more higher than before. Hear it, hope to find a solution for it. Amplify the happiness along with the hopeful future that he or she might be able to give you someday. 

Lesson 7- Seven is HEAVEN! 

You either do ALL that there is to do to carry this relationship from one level to another or don’t, there is a HIGHER power above us all who/what knows everything better than you. Therefore, if after all the other six steps your relationship still sucks, take a deep breath and well, hope for the better. That is not to say your next one will be better. In fact, I can guarantee you that after dating someone for a long LONG time, the next one who comes is never enough. Yes, marvelous in the beginning yet will never beat your ex! (Unless you ex used to beat you or harm you in anyway. Because if you have to leave a relationship because of domestic violation and such, run as fast as you can. Do NOT look back.) But.. If that was not the case… then remember, the new person comes with his/ her own baggage. 

Lesson 8- Relationships ATE me alive ! 

Good news: You are ALIVE! Bad news: You worry too much. Whether you are in a relationship or not, your focus determines your future. Focus on yourself. As one of my really awesome friend told me yesterday, ” You will be the one to see yourself in the mirror everyday. We need to take care of ourselves first. “

  • Written by a relationship expert: A Leafy