Story of a Man

This is created by me- Leafy

Once there was a man I knew who was a little taller, chubbier than the average man. The way he smiles every time had the power to take you to the moon and sad eyes that would bring you back to the earth. You would want to know so very badly what on earth would make such a man like him cry, cry in front of your eyes to say the least. That man had everything in his life you would think, by everything meaning a nice car, a beautiful two bedroom apartment, a cleaner lady who would smile all the time, a cat, a job. All the things all the other men around him would only wish for was what this man owned, except love.

This man had no one to love. Not one single pretty girl would fall for his beautiful smile. Not a girl he has met so far felt anything he had hoped and wished for. Not a soul he could catch, not even a little innocent glance. All he had was these things that he surrounded himself with. He had friends around him, too although he would categorize them into nice, nicer and bad ones. He had friends to whom he could talk to, chat with hours, text with anytime, stay over whenever he wanted to. His friends, however were not his love. He would not consider them as his love at no any level known to men.

He was a loner but an unseen one. He could talk for hours during the day, but he would get lost in his own silence at nights. He could count on so many people in his life, but not on his partner. Simply, because he did not have one. No one wanted to be his. He had for this reason tried alcohol only to punish himself more with the shadow side of it. He had his reason to become an addict but he got addicted to no one, no thing. Nothing was there to remind him that he had come along a long way since he was a little child. No one was there to tell him he got through all the dilemmas of the past. He broke so many chains on his own without being able go have a crown. He was always satisfied with his life. Nevertheless, life always pushed him around.

Now that he was old and lonely, he had decided to change things upside down. Running outside in bare foot has now become his new playground. Donating his best expensive suits had the effect of a shaking ground. He could have been leaving his legacy around before he died but he died in a hospital bed all alone.

I dedicate this to all the hard workers out there who belittle their own emotions to gain wealth.

Thank you for reading.

Bathroom Diaries

Why is it so hard to have peace of mind? “No one said it would be easy”, said no one ever because everyone is motivating us to first put ourselves first then to be a nice, kind and helpful human being to those around us. What do all these successful millionaires want from us by giving us a speech about time, relationships and money besides asking for our money to purchase their books, seminars and such?

I do not know if you work at any sort of work that has to deal with people all day long, then go work on your own body and mind at the gym or any kind of sports or maybe even short yoga session to get even more tired so only then you can go home exhausted and have that peace of mind? But then, it is all ruined with one phone call, or an email that is telling you to do more work or maybe a guest/ friend/ parent that talks to you for hours to put all their weight on you so that they can finally sleep better since they did not work that same day?

Yes? Welcome to “No peace no mind only Bullshit Club” then. I am here with you joining you from New York. I cannot tell you how tired I am but still chasing the rainbows of my lonely serene nights hoping it will one day happen for me. I can see the rainbow at nights, right? In fact, I cannot even tell you where my only alone time takes place… You guessed it, bathrooms.

Bathrooms are the places where I am all alone. Bathrooms are the ones that I stand still- no phone calls, no texts, no small talks. Bathrooms are where every action of peace takes place for me. Bathrooms are quiet, peaceful and spacious. Forget about the peace between countries/ politicians and actors in those series you watch. Bathrooms are a mirror reflections of the Heavens. They are emojis that you want to use all the time, little hearts with open eyes.

One deep breath..

2

3

4

You are dead because while you are in the bathroom doing your overthinking someone had to knock on your door out of all the other ones that exist. Because just like the other ones, someone had to shit on your peace of mind- literally. You know the one that you are about to give up on. Don’t give up, don’t give in. If you take your time, they might leave. Oh, no bad news! They are waiting because none of the other bathrooms have any toilet papers left or maybe they are only occupied. Who gives a damn when you lose your own shit? Calm down, zipper up, face down, phone goes into your pocket.

Walk out of there. As one Iron Maiden song goes, ” Run to the hills! Run for your life'” Run out of the bathroom.

Wash hands. Check yourself in the mirror. Okay, you now look like the person whose serene life can handle everyone else’s toxic little world problems. Leave it all in the bathroom.. Great! Buckle up, get ready for all answers you have to give back to imply that you are listening,hmm, yea, oh yeahs and go. Good job, smile! πŸ‘

If you are anything close to the edge of your own nerves go do your exercises to take it all out after work/ during lunch hour or even better right before you go home, which will only cause you to lose sleep once you arrive home because there is definitely that one person waiting impatiently to ruin your whole night, steal your time for yourself and lose your sleep. How long can you handle this? If there were a contest for people like you and I, I would not compete you because by the time I start, you or I will be giving ourselves out to someone else’s problems anyway, forgetting our own. Carry on like we do not have a life, trying to survive, trying to be the breadwinner for our little, hungry stomachs.

No matter what you do, please take your sweet time in the bathroom. Enjoy the peace of mind it brings to you, for it is the only place where you can achieve it.

Best Wishes,

Leafy

Why And How I Really Stopped Smoking Cigarettes?

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I .. can’t believe I’m saying this but.. I am NOT a smoker anymore. This is not a disgrace. I am not claiming that I don’t belong to that category anymore. I see myself on the side of smokers still. When I am out with my friends, I still am that person who walks out for a cigarette, except I do not smoke with them anymore. After all those high school, college, internship and jobs, rebelliousness later. Here I am sipping on my tea and not smoking cigarettes. Can you believe?!

You might or might not wonder, how and why? Well.. In order to put some structure to my smoking journey, let me start with why. I promise it is only one word, health. Okay. Make it two, healthy future. If you really had to make my reasoning stuck in three words, there we go, I was scared.

Not to go into details, but one day I woke up to this pain in my chest that did not let me get out of my bed. You know how people say, ” How are you?”, then they reply, ” Hey, I opened my eyes today.”? Yes. That hit me real hard at the same moment when I was trying to get rid of the pain in my chest. It felt like, I almost died and gave up my future. I felt like I gave it all away easily yet in pain. With pleasure yet regretfully.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not looking towards a future because of my current assets at hand. If the competition is real in New York, I fall under the buildings of people who work at big corporations. I am not rich, yet. My survival is in the hopes of a family one day. Maybe that day I will want to live more fully. Anyways, that is a topic for another day.

So, that day made me realize many things. I thought of my relationships- oldies, Goldie’s, shittiest, current-ties?- the times I smoked, the pleasure I got from my behavior, the love I gave every single smoke of it. I never hated smoking, even now. I DO NOT HATE CIGARETTES AT ALL! It was always a way to get me out of awkward places and situations; it was also going against the people around me who thought smoking killed. In my head, I proved them it did not, there I smoked in my healthy body against the currents of their healthy life standards.

However, my heart could not take my rebellious smoking anymore and my lungs could not promise me to have a healthy family. But, that one thing that really got me was the vision of myself being in a hospital where my future kids came to visit me, oh dear God, my future husband’s worrisome in those eyes killed me yet I was alive trying to breath. I remember while in the hospital, this thought coming to mind, ” Why did not I stop earlier? I DESERVED this all. I hate when people gave me the pitiful looks, especially in a hospital bed.”

Furthermore, quitting saves you money both for your prescriptions and your new packs. MOST IMPORTANTLY, not smoking gives you time to do something else.

How Did I Quit?

I went on to my Amazon Kindle account to order a book by Allan Carr. Everyone used to tell me to read it because they all quit or they knew someone who did after reading. Well.. Having the odds in mind before reading it, I found the video online. Watching it meanwhile smoking my cigarette and cooking for the next day’s work I did not even come closer to realizing that all those cigarettes were going to be my last. Believe it..or not. Date was October 29th at night, marking a new day for the humanity. A new smokeless life ahead for me. Special you might think? It was not. I read my book after the video.

Challenges To Bear in mind

Halloween in New York, 2018. -No Smoking

I had to go to a Halloween Parade in New York with a tension on my nerves, I just had to smoke. Instead, I smoked a B12 vape. I smelled the smoke on people I did not know. I did not keep my distance from smokers but got involved in their conversations as they smoked cigarettes. I smoked my vape. B freaking 12 vape.

My second day was worse. But, since I had a tracker app on my phone I wanted to see how long I would go without smoking cigarettes. My third was was horrible. People online claim that the third day is the most hated day for a smoker. Well, I made it to the forth day somewhat. Believe me keeping up with not smoking while working was hard but I did it through my third day. Hashtag stubborn? Yes, indeed. I wish someone told me about the forth day, though.

My Quit Guide App

My 4th of Quit Challenge was horrible. It was like a scary movie. It was a day that went all unplanned. Now, if you are trying to stop smoking, tell people that you are really trying and it is not an easy task. Absolutely, not. People around me, thanks to ALL of them, helped me non stop. Some offered me cigarettes, some pulled me into their conversations that would pass the time for me easily. Staying indoors was the hardest thing, so some people took walks with me, some texted me I should just smoke. Thanks to all of them, I made it home somehow. Then the cravings kicked in hardcore. Think about a war then, that you are in the middle of it. If you go back, they will kill you. If you go forward, well you can’t because you just got shot. So you are just hoping, praying, mostly confused because the fear of it is all real. I feared. I tore myself apart. I punched the walls, sang in the shower, kicked the doors, danced my feet off, panicked, laughed, bit my pillows, yet my words stayed uneaten. I made it to my 5th day.

5th was better than the previous ones because there only left two more days to make it a week. After all, I could smoke after my first week I thought. Countless cravings.. punches.. passive aggressive behaviors later I got hooked on Juul. My aromatherapy vapes, B12 vapes were all smoked to the last smoke. First time that nicotine from Juul hit me, my body thanked me like it never had before. The rush was unreal. I was happy and calm again. The tension I had before had disappeared like the smoke that was coming out of my mouth..

Complain if you need to, I did. Read if you want to, I did. All those days after the video, I kept reading my kindle, Carr’s famous book. It helped more and more with each page I read. Get an app on your phone to motivate you and track your smokeless days like I did. My other friend who also did this with me and I became coffee addicts, non-smokers. It’s not healthy, but addiction is always replaceable, which was a great thing to realize! A bright light bulb πŸ’‘

Here I am. I made it to my 60th day of being smoke free today. Happy Quitting to people all over the world. Now I know Juul is not safe, it has nicotine in it so it is as bad as cigarettes some say but it all depends how much you vape. By the time you get to your 60th day, you might as well get so used to drinking with no cigarettes, vapes, hanging out without cigarettes, walking to work, coming back home from work, standing at a bus stop, waiting for your Uber without any cigarettes. Vape if you need to but don’t give yourself to it like you did with cigarettes.

If you are not ready, don’t do it. If people keep bugging you about your smoking, don’t quit. If you love the thought of killing yourself slowly but faster than all the others, Quit Now! Because you are not killing yourself. You are putting yourself in a hospital where people can have pity on you one day and say the unspeakable words at your face,” I told you to quit.” Do NOT give anyone that privilege. Quit smoking when YOU want to.

Another last but the MOST important reason to quit also a helpful tip how to quit is the fact that smokers usually smoke because they are “stressed out”. Who stresses you out? When they stress you out ask yourself, ” Does this person deserve to have a saying on my health?” If the answer is yes, keep smoking. If it is no, go do something healthy because they are getting on your nerves. You are the judge of your own destiny and the writer of your own book. Do not let people make you smoke then tell you not to smoke. You are stronger than their pressure on you.

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In case you wonder, I am still not a hater. I love smoking, those smoking conversations, stepping outside and such. Moreover, I still participate in those actions except I do not smoke cigarettes anymore. Life is a little okay without them, too. With or without cigarettes life is still.. what was the song?….. Life? ✨🎢😊 Go get your hair done next time you want to smoke or maybe, take a good look at your beautiful skin in the mirror. Keep it that way. You deserve a better future πŸ™ŒπŸΌ