Breakup Letter to You and My Self- Indulgences

Who could have known?

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Maybe we could have been happier. Nevertheless, that could have been impermanent. All the hope- call it “spark” is gone out there somewhere in the mist of an ocean that is wide, endless and dark. It is not swimming against the current as it usually happens in the romance movies and books, neither is it fighting for its own free existence anymore. It has vanished somewhere at the bottom of nowhere in the grand vast dark and blue ocean. Don’t think it might still be found one random day by some scuba divers as it was the case with Titanic, because again this is no movie. 

Fire burned it- our passion for each other- into little unseen ashes, then flew it towards the air; from where it had gone to the ocean, perhaps. Therefore, you can find the ashes of little pieces where there is no restoration possible, ever. This is not Titanic after all. All it can and it will be is memories in our heads for awhile, then possibly soon enough will it be left to the wolves to be eaten out there in the wild. We will move on. Memories will be left behind. Ashes will be stirred up, waves in the oceans will be moved; nothing floats everything drowns.

This is how it is done. There is no going back. As the saying goes, where there is will there is way. No one mentioned the outcomes when there is no will, yet it is not that easy to figure out. If there is no will power, there is no power in whatever it is. For us it was “us”. For you, it is “you”. For me it is nothing but questions these days. Goodbyes can be the echoes of ashes for now, in which you might see contact here and there. Then, the contact will disappear as well. Life is the totality of all that there is right? All that “there was” moments take place in the past tense. We are past tense. We were tense. Now we are tense in the past. 

Great to be alive though.

Patterns only make us aware of more patterns. Once one is broken it is a hope that we get to break the others without realizing that we are burning the bridges to build new ones, breaking patterns to create new ones. Therefore, here I write on a notepad all that there is and there was about us so then I can build my own bridges soon enough, then maybe to burn them to build new ones with someone else. At the exact moment though, I can assure that my own bridges will take awhile to be built up again. Burning them, not considering their importance to self and believing in the possibility of impossible love stories, I am torn. Time can only help but it is not the medicine I need. It is me, the greater will power in me and the higher power that is bigger than me. In that power I trust, becoming a new pattern in my own shell is the greatest gift that I could ever give to self, my self. The only self I really have. Little love, little peace of mind and just the right amount of hope will just do me fine. 

Self- courage is the teacher I love the most among the others. It gets me in trouble when it whispers me to go for a new person in a relationship, but afterwards it does not waste no time to heal me to make me better than any healers I could pay, stronger and self- effective. Now that it is time to move on to me, I can only get excited. All I need is new playlists, new songs, new photo albums and new breakfasts. By the time I am me again, I shall see the light at the end of the tunnel called, “relationship”.

How could I have known one day my patterns would have given me a chance to explore more than there was? Thank you love. Thank you the Highest of all the High Powers.

Lastly, thankful for “my sleeping” patterns: NOW IT IS THE TIME THAT I let go. I wake up. I am ready to receive. 

Good bye!

Live the Life of a Tree 🌲

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We rise, we fall. Life is as it is. It is all in the details. How do we fall? Who helps us to rise? Blah blah.

Now let’s get to the point, HOW MUCH? Questions to consider;

1- How much money does it cost?

2- How much time do you need to make it/ break it?

3- How much of an experience do you need?

4- How much of a time gets wasted in the process?

5- How much of it do you lose to gain? To rise to fall?

We all read or at least hear from time to time about those accommodating self-help books, motivational speeches as well as the inspirational movies. Every year there are millions of them being marketed, promoted, read or watched. However, how much of it REALLY sticks with us? How much of that motivation do we end up letting go at some point? How many DIY videos does it take to actually do everything yourself? One? Million?

Whether or not it is all or nothing, some or none, we eventually, inevitably, respectfully are stuck with ourselves. It is like a tree. Imagine this.

There is a huge forest in front of you. It is a mixture of every shade of brown and green. Bushes, logs everywhere. Some birds are on the tree branches, some flying in the sky. Leave the sky and flying birds there for the sake of now, but focus on the brown and green. If you really want the color blue, put a waterfall in your imaginary forest between the tall green trees. Waterfall gives you the sound of … nature, let the water flow. Listen to the birds singing, wind blowing through the leaves in the forest. You have leaves under your feet crunching. Smell.. Smell the forest in front of you. Do you smell the trees, wildflowers, perhaps the water that travels to tip of your nose by the warm wind. Walk through the trees, touch them, let all the forest go happy feet on your skin. Look up to the trees and take a deep breath. Now, pick a tree. Sit right across from it. Pay attention to the birds on or around it. Any soft spider webs you can spot in the sight? Good. Sitting across from this one tree you picked, now you are to think some very important similarities between trees and humans. Fasten your seatbelt. Ready, set and here we go!

That tree was not there at first. Think about it. Someone had to plant it there. Seeds come in all sort these days, but this is a big big tree in a big big forest. Now, that tree was a small baby tree at some point. It needed all the water, rain, sunshine to become what it has become. Most importantly, that tree had to/ still has to go through a period of losing its leaves either one by one process, or all bunch at the same time. Some birds were fed by that tree, for some it has been a shelter only. It has also been a spiritual bond to some, who knows? Overall, for that tree to be there with the other trees, it had to become all the other things first. How similar we are! How death, shelter, survival, water, stress, time, surroundings, friends, grounded roots have different values to us!

At some point in my life, I seriously thought that the reason why the trees were created was for the humanity to watch, get closer to examine and learn from. Rather than making it all complicated however, trees make it seem simple to be living things. Stare at a tree from a distance and as close as you possibly can. Survival seems cool for them. Simply they survive, they grow. They rise, leaves fall. They rise, and fall again.

They do not seem to care how much.. Neither do they seem to care with which trees they are surviving with. They go green, they go through dark malicious nights, then orange and red, so that they are back to their green colors again. A tree will survive until a person destroys its life either for money or his/her own survival. A tree will fall down to the ground if it was planted in a wrong environment by a person. A tree is a tree. A leaf is a leaf. A person is a person. Survival is survival with or without how much of a survival it is. Maybe, not all is that bad for us. Maybe, life is worth to live and die for.

May it be a green lush one with birds singing on your branches, waterfalls traveling their way to new destinations and a sunlight kissing your face. Say thank you to your imaginary tree now and go back there when you need to remember that we are all, at least biologically living things. We rise, we fall living the things.

Leafy-