I wish I could tell everyone why I was so hesitant to go. Leaving everything behind was not the problem as it never has been, but leaving my compassionate self really hit me in the core. You can leave places, people or even memories behind in time but it is always harder to leave all those thought patterns you, yourself have created all this time!
Some time in the past some really traumatic incident happens to you; breaks your being into millions of little pieces that seems like it will never be the same again. Therefore, in order to change that mentality you challenge your mind and body. Little talks are fine, but those big conversations with yourself gets tougher each time. Daily walks are helpful but when you sit on that couch, everything sinking in is what makes it challenging. You think all these things had happened to you for a reason but there sure is a way out. Plans over plans become your best friends. Instead of your future, you try to focus on your only valuable asset at hands, now. You try to get over the past by living in the now to live your future in a lot more peaceful way. When you get up, take a nice warm shower to relax yourself you keep thinking on the hows, then “why me?”s, jumping on to your own self desired conclusions. No solid answers leave no solid solutions on the mirrors that are now blurry with the heat of the water.
Stepping out of the shower has maybe never been that upset before when you think about your next move. You rarely not do anything but this time is different. This time you want to make your move, any move would be fine , yet you feel tired as never before hence sleep. Sleeping is a getaway yet it is a perfect solution at the same time to run way from the now that you were once determined to live in . Ups give their ways to the downs to then the darkness caresses all over both. You tugged in in bed turn to the left to the right pondering on the same move that you have promised yourself to make years ago. Maybe, it was your childhood but your therapist does not think so. Your childhood was not so bad comparing to some psychopaths. This world is full of them where they are mentioned in every movie, tv serious and shows but you are just a normal human being who is just maybe not feeing belong. Maybe you don’t belong to this world that is filled with all psychopaths and narcissists. Your therapist is right. These kind of thought can drive a person crazy, further locked up in a place in the middle if nowhere. In any case, you look for the keys to open that door that is shining right in front of your eyes, waiting to be opened by you. You just happened to be lost in the middle of it all to think clearly about bringing your key with you. Even the light that is sneaking in the room from the sides of the door in front of you does not make you move in anyway. The empty looks in your eyes look back at you, the door gets lost in no time. Great! Because now your last chance of opening this door to yiur next move is lost, too.
You open your eyes from your deep dreaming state, turn on your laptop to look for jobs, any job would do fine even though you think you were made to shine with a talent of yours. Considering how unreal this thought is, you throw it in the back rooms of your mind to never to think about it again, ever. Grab a pen, write a goal. Laugh at your own joke, toss it out. Make some tea, check the time. Time you have wasted is tossed out in the garbage, too.
Apply for that cashier job as you did before. At the end of it all, you aways get these type of jobs. Fail to break a cycle, you end up nowhere. Think positive, see positive, but don’t break that cycle that you have created for yourself in the first place.
This is inspired by my friend’s story. Thank you for reading. ✨🧚🏻